I have to admit that I’m maybe enjoying the legal jockeying between Geohot and Sony more than I expected. Yesterday, after Sony announced that Hacker Eminem had fled the country and not handed over requested hardware, Geohot’s lawyer and he himself responded.
Ah, Geohot. Fuck you, kid. You thought you were so ballin’ cracking the PS3 and giving out its root key. So confident you put up a painful YouTube diss track talking shit about Sony. Clearly you’re now feeling the heat that I predicted. The law, and more importantly, the robot ninjas are on your tail. And you’ve fled, fled to South America.
I was amused by GeoHot for a bit. Dude stole the PS3′s soul when he made public to the world its root key. However, then the dude went all retarded issuing rap disses and stuff or whatever. Since then I’ve been clamoring to see him publicly pimp-slapped by an ace team of Sony roboninjas. Today I have gotten one step closer to having my wish fulfilled.
GeoHot wasn’t comfortable just outing the PS3′s root key, and getting sued by Sony. No sir. On top of that, the awkward motherfucker has gone and cut a diss track and posted the video on the internet. I have to appreciate his stupidity/balls. If I was getting sued by a major corporation, I wouldn’t be spitting white boy rhymes about them for the internet to see.
Hello Earthlings of certain proclivities! Salutations. This is Press Start!, the column where I break down the week in gaming. I drudge together five happenings that caught my eye in the Video Gameverse. The list doesn’t reflect importance, or anything other than my personal preference. Hit the goddamn fucking comments box with your own input.
Buckle up, take your accelerant of choice, and let’s party.
#1: Characters From Street Fighter Break Into WWE, Paralyze People.
The characters from Street Fighter don’t give a shit. They routinely smash the living shit out of cars just ’cause. In the middle of a god damn tournament, they’ll thrash your whip with snap kicks and shit. So why wouldn’t they cross franchise boundaries and whip the ass of unsuspecting dudes in spandex?
There’s no good reason why they wouldn’t. And now they are.
Some good chap used the character creation tool thingy in Smackdown vs. Raw 2011 to create twenty or so Street Fighter characters. Which, if I’m not mistaken people can download onto their PlayStation Boxes. This is fucking fantastic. If I bought the game I’d be all over this shit.
Superheroes in a wrestling game? If John Cena doesn’t deserve a spinning lariat from Zangief, who the fuck does? As I’ve blathered on about, the Street Fighter characters are a righteous addition because they call back to the golden days of wrestling. Back when the characters weren’t just assholes in denim shorts. They were assholes fighting for Communism, or capable of voodoo, or undead dudes who dropped tombstones and carried around creepy ass urns.
#2: GameStop Has 3.6 Billion Dollar Holiday, But This Is Failure.
Fascist pig video game whoring multiplex GameStop made 3.6 billion dollars over the holiday season. What was the general reaction to these numbers? The joint’ stock fell by 6 perfect. This is despite the store’s profits rising by a poetically fitting 6 percent. Buh?
Listen, I’m not a economist. The only numbers I can crunch are those of my bank account. And as a graduate student making a shit stipend, the numbers are dismal. After the holiday season, you can hear echoes off the chambers of my savings account. So I’d take 3.6 billion dollars. Fuck, I’d take $5,000.
So what lead to the stock falling? The lack of growth. Despite the sales numbers, stockholders (is that what they’re called?) weren’t happy with the percent of growth. I see, I see. Other contributing factors may be the lack of suitable increase in GameStop’s used gaming market, which only grew 1.7 percent, or people who bought in for the holiday season but are not throwing up deuces and leaving.
Disagree with these reasons? I didn’t think them up, I’m just reporting.
Don’t shoot me.
But a 3.6 billion dollar disappointment? Amazing.
#3: Super Mario At The Ice Capades Will Prolapse You.
I miss the 1980′s. Nothing made sense, and because of that, anything made sense. Take for example this segment from the 1988 Ice Capades. Hosted by Jason Bateman and a hot ass (I hope she’s legal here) Alyssa Milano, it features Super Mario and friends skating around in what can only be described as delirious awesomeness.
Bateman and Milano are rocking out playing some Super Mario backstage when – gasp! – the unthinkable happens. The original Nintendo catches a virus and allows the characters to escape the confines of their shitty grey cartridge. Trust me, this is amazing.
Also, let it be a lesson to you. Video games are dangerous. Everything your parents hear on the Boob Tube is correct: these games can fucking kill you. One minute you’re boppin’ shit for coins, the next minute Bowser is unleashed on the tangible realm. Looking for some ass to crush. Ask Princess, that shit hurts. Hurts done bad.
Hacker GeoHot has done gone and released the soul of the PlayStation 3 to the public. According to Joystiq, Geo “says he has released the PS3′s METLDR root key to the public, which allows access to the PS3′s loaders, and reportedly could be used to allow any unsigned code to be run on the system.”
This shit already sounds diabolical, right? I wasn’t really sure what a root key was, and Joystiq made it sound pretty cool. But I figured there was someone who could break this shit down even further for me! And ideally you. Luke Plunkett over at Kotaku goes deeper into what this means for the PS3, elite hax0rz dudes, and you:
The root key is a signature of sorts, that lets the PS3 know that the program that’s about to run on the console is a legitimate piece of software. If it’s now out there, then once people start messing around with it, they’ll be able to whip up anything – be that custom software or pirated games – and trick the console into thinking it’s OK to load.
Crucially, because this key lies at the very heart of the PS3 hardware itself, it appears that if it has been cracked, it will be almost impossible to repair (even via firmware updates), as altering the existing key would run the risk of rendering all existing PS3 software inoperable.
Well then! That’s some heavy shit. I wonder if GeoHot realizes that a crack team of Sony ninjas are already on their way to his house, about to eliminate him from the face of this blue marble.