#April2012

PS MOVE STEERING WHEEL PATENT IS THREE-PRONGED PHALLUS HEAVEN

Check out this peripheral piece of shit! Pow! What a fucking nightmare. It’s a steering wheel piece of plastic nonsense for the PS Move, or as I call it: a fucking waste of money to clip onto a fucking waste of money.

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Press Start!: Lame Apps, Bullshit Peripherals & Dancing Games.

When diversions are king, video games shall be amongst those running the pack. Making sure that everyone has the appropriate tattoos. Knowing the gang symbols. The terminology. Ruling the roost, if you will. This is Press Start!, the column where I spout off five things that happened in the world of gaming in a given week. My lists are dumb. Like yours, they are rife with personal preference, ideological tendencies, and since it’s me – juvenile bullshit.

I encourage all aboard to share their own musings.

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#1: Apple App Store Gets App That ‘Cures Homosexuality’, For Like A Second.
God damn, I have to give it to Apple. I knew from the multifarious apps found on Apple’s store were fucking powerful. I knew there were a lot of apps that could do a lot of things. Find a yummy restaurant for my belly! Find movie tickets. Play Angry Birds! Read a book! However, I wasn’t aware there was an app that could cure my raging hard-on for Chris Hemsworth in chainmail.

That’s where  Exodus International steps in! They released an app that claimed to cure gayness. It was a bit of an odd mood, since the fascist pigs at Apple have pulled some less polarizing applications. Wasn’t there one that cost like a zillion dollars? The Douche App? It did nothing aside from signify you could spend a lot of money?

Anyways, a day and one enormous 152,433 online signature later, they pulled the son of a bitch.

Go figure.

I’m actually okay with the existence of the app, if it wasn’t such an odd choice in lieu of what they have pulled. I am of the opinion that if a bunch of closed-minded assholes rubbing their genitals against a withering old tome want to try and make some money off their own ignorance, let them try.

Besides, it doesn’t work. I downloaded the app – mind you, I didn’t actually use it. However, if it worked, how would they trick the sinners into using it?! It must have unactivated capabilities, right? What I did do was stick my iPhone in my crotch and had my friend call me repeatedly with the phone on vibrate while I stared at Chris Evans’ pecs in the Captain America trailer. Still felt the love. Don’t tell my girlfriend.

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#2: New Movie ‘The FP’ Where Dance-Dance Meets Post-Apocalypse  Gang Wars.
In the future, we will all be divided amongst post-apocalypse gangs. When diversions are king, our lives will be dedicated to maintaining our reps and our various crews. The flick ‘The FP’ which screened at SXSW last week perfectly captures our forthcoming sociocultural  metamorphosis. Also, the movie is fucking madness.

Gangs fight it out in fatal games of DDR, titties, and absurd montages. The trailer is what happens when you cross 1980′s bro movies with video game slop-culture. In a completely conscious, and planning manner.

God bless.

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#3: Triforce Johnson Waits In Line For Nintendo 3DS. Gets Thrown Out. Returns.
Isaiah-Triforce Johnson is either the man, or a fucking mental patient. For some reason, I feel like the two categories bleed together so simply swimmingly when it comes to geek culture. Triforce, who had the phrase legally added to his first fucking name, is a man with a plan. The plan in question is to be the first motherfucker in Manhattan to get a Nintendo 3DS. He’s taken to this plan by waiting in line inside the foyer of the Union Square Best Buy in the Big Apple.

Earlier this week, Best Buy had security throw the dude out.

But that doesn’t stop a motherfucker, does it? He returned, and has apparently smoothed the entire thing over. “There was a Chris Brown launch party the night I came out” he said, so “Best Buy needed that space for the line. It kinda looked bad, but it was just a misunderstanding.”

Godspeed Triforce, you’re almost fucking there.

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Ken Levine: PS Move In BioShock Would ‘Cheat’ Gamers.

Ken Levine. I wank off to your philosophical wanderings and universal construction in BioShock. You are a good man. Full of win. Now you’re further full of win, and uh, a gooder man with your latest musings on PS Move.

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Let’s Compare The PlayStation Move To A Dildo. Ready, Fight!

An intrepid soul out there in the netherealms of the internet came looking for answers. Deep, philosophical answers. Namely, this soul wanted to know what was more dope ass for vaginal or anal penetration: the PlayStation Move, or a dildo. When I saw that question sitting unanswered in my Search Engine terms, I was flabbergasted. Why hadn’t I, fan of both dildos and anal play, considered this question for the ages.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t own a PlayStation Move or a dildo. Missing both of them to the detriment of my mortal life. So everything is pure speculation. I don’t know which I’ll own first, or if I’ll ever muster up the bravery to stick the Move into my butt (probably not, I’m scared of the little orb popping off), but should I buy either, I’ll update this space.

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