If the reports are true, the Wii U’s January sales were worse than any month in in either the Xbox 360 or PS3 lifespan. But! But! But! You can hold an enormous tablet! It serves as a second screen! Wee! Goddamn, I am glad that not many people are running out to gobble up this uninspired nonsense. Of course, I am glad while silently acknowledging that some Miyamoto magic will inevitably draw the system into my house.
This can be filed under “sort of cool, but not worth buying.” Right up there in my life with the Fleshlight, Snuggies, and an inspection sticker for my car. Nintendo is ripping out a Wii U remake of Wind Waker, probably because they have no fucking games, and no one cares about the system. It’s a semi-dope move, but it isn’t going to be enough to get me to buy the system. That’ll take a brand new Mario or Zelda title.
Hey man! The Nintendo Wii isn’t just a late entrance into the HD game. It isn’t just an extravagant joke of a controller. It can also be used to watch television. In a pretty rad twist of synergy, Nintendo lets you use their tablet-controller-thing to change the channels. For a cost! God knows they haven’t already sliced you for an excessive device already. Now you have to pay more to unlock all of its capabilities.
The fee isn’t a ridiculous sum, but the premise itself is absurd.
Wii U is the “start of the next console generation” like the Dreamcast was the forerunner of the PS2 and Xbox. Sort of, but not really. That hasn’t stopped that Reggie Meme Generator boss guy of Nintendo from claiming the console features everything from “an overpriced tablet as a controller” to “the ability to not cure cancer.”
The only thing I liked more as an adolescent than staring at Orchid from Killer Instinct’s rack was ripping off an ultra combo with her. Microsoft must know this. They must have received my epistles in the mail, smeared with my blood and promises. For you see, they have renewed the Killer Instinct trademark.
Nintendo are keen on poking the bear this week. For the purposes of this metaphor I shall be playing the bear and the poking stick is represented by the recent glut of Wii U announcements. They’re poking me into a fevered state where I suddenly find myself compelled to pre-order a brand new console and then feel dirty about it afterwards. I have some genuine soul-searching to do.
Here are an assortment of Wii U details. This has to be the first console to drop in a long while where I’m pretty certain I want it just to want it.
A big staple of my adolescence was playing endless hours of GoldenEye 007 with Rendar and our friends. Raging hardcore at bullshit tactics but loving every minute of it. I imagine this is a bit of a ubiquitous feeling across gamers of our generation. Low and behold some crazy shit! The generation-defining mode was a last minute addition that the powers that be didn’t even know about.
The Wii U was almost scrapped because of price concerns over the insipid tablet-as-controller. It would have been a total shame. Pseudo-innovation is where it’s (not) at.
Now shit, if this was dropping for the Wii U all of a sudden I’d give a fuck.