Last week I called out the Modern Warfare 2 whiners for the bunch of silly bitches they are. They whine and whine, and just like Warcraft haters, they continue to suck on the grizzled tit they lambast so often. I predicted they would still turn out like whores in heat to gobble up the Modern Warfare 2 DLC, Stimulus Pack. Well, what do you know, I was fucking correct.

via kotaku:

One million of those purchases and downloads occurred within the first 24 hours, according to a statement from Activision. In dollar terms, that’s over $37 million USD in revenue in the map pack’s first week on the market, a clear sign that 2.5 million people quickly came to grips with the Stimulus Package pricing.

Despite groaning like a bunch of dickbags about prices, and how much the maps suck, and blah, blah, blah, it still sold in fuckloads. Just admit it, you love Modern Warfare 2. It’s okay to say it.

There’s something I’ve noticed about the majority of Modern Warfare 2 gamers out there. They’re a bunch of niggling bitches. I think anytime there’s such a hardcore community revolving around one game, the majority of them seem to feel like entitled blowhards. How do I know? Dude, I’ve been playing World of Warcraft for five years. You can’t throw a rock without hitting someone complaining. “This class is over-powered”, “This dungeon sucks”, “Why can’t Blizzard get the servers to work!?”

Relax. Chill out.

And so I’ve noticed the same thing just with a superficial glance at the MW2 community. And just like WoW players? Just like WoW players, it seems like these people continue playing the game, despite their kvetching.

There’s critiquing, and there’s complaining
I’m not saying it’s unfair to criticize a game, especially when you’re passionate about it. And I’m completely okay with that. My friend Jill is a pretty ardent Call of Duty fan in general. And from time to time, she has a few complaints or criticisms that she lobs Infinity Ward’s way. But I’m cool with that? Why? ‘Cause she actually admits she enjoys the game. She criticizes, but she also can cop to enjoying the crap out of it. Most people I’ve come across simply grouse and grouse, and then they just keep trucking along.

Enjoy the fucking game.

Put your money where your mouth is, yo!
My annoyance has been reignite with the recent release of MW2′s DLC, the Stimulus Pack. In what truly is a bullshit move, they charged the fuck out of the thing for what, five maps? It’s bullshit, I’m with you on that one. But I have a funny feeling that the same vocal majority who shit themselves over the price actually caved and bought it. Watch me write this and get like fifteen people comment and go “Omg, I totally didn’t buy it.” I don’t care, I’d still say you’re in the minority.

Cut them some fucking slack.
The Stimulus Pack launched and it wasn’t without some hiccups. My Twitter feed flooded with “LOL, of course, fucking idiot MS noobs dickbags can’t get anything right.” Yo, cut these people some slack. They’re not hacks, they’re clearly dedicated and working hard. And I assure you, they know for every time they accidentally barf up on themselves they anticipate the swarming of the legions to deride them. Same thing goes for WoW. Every time there’s a patch, it’s like nerd masturbation to grouse about the servers chugging, glitches here and there.

They’re trying. I pinky swear.

Ian, you don’t know shit about shit
Probably.

I’m part of the problem.
Here’s the thing about me; I enjoy things. It seems retardedly obvious to state, but I’m pretty laid back when it comes to enjoying the shit I enjoy. I don’t go out of my way to pick apart at the little nuances that bug me. I’ve never complained about the balances of classes on WoW, I’ve never spent more than a moment opining that the way Blizzard has structured the later instances in The Wrath of the Lich King to pad the time spent in the dungeons, to keep people playing. And you know what? I just bent over and let MW2′s DLC dry-fuck me. Why?

I don’t know, because I enjoyed it. Do I perpetuate the problem? Probably. Dickbags like me who will pay whatever they charge justify how much they spend. But I don’t care. Why? I enjoy Modern Warfare 2, and I’d rather enjoy it openly and not pretend to take moralistic stands that I’m not going to back-up.

I have Star Wars for that shit.

What I’m trying to say.
It’s okay to complain. It’s okay to criticize. But I would impress upon you and the rest of whining windbag communities; like the WoW one, that it’s probably for the best if you take a moment to actually appreciate the game that you incessantly lament about, despite playing with unbridled fervor.

It’s okay to be a geek and actually not shred to pieces the things you love. I promise.

I picked up Modern Warfare 2 last night for the first time in months. Four, to be precise. And I actually didn’t suck! Alright, that’s a lie. What I meant to say is that I didn’t suck anymore than  I had when I last played it. This is a tremendous relief, since I put in a good amount of time improving myself to the point of just less than adequate. Phew!

Last night, I realized something while I was playing. I realized that I play my best when I blow my whole load. Of ammo. Duh. Like, my clip. You see, I can’t aim for shit. And often, I try and present myself as an adequate player. What a dumb idea! I’ll slowly aim, draw my sights on someone. And then by the time my fat fingers finally have them within my scope, I’m dead.

Dead, done, decimated.

So I said to myself, Drinkwater, you need a new strategy. Blow your whole load.

And it works! It really works. Blowing my whole load works. No trying to keep it in, to save face and be talented. Naw dude, I got to go the extra mile. At first I didn’t want to be that guy, spraying everywhere. It looks ridiculous, and it usually ends up with me on my back. But who the fuck cares, a kill is a kill, right?

And ever since I began just really firing away, I’ve noticed that I’ve actually begun to kill people. It’s sort of neat. Sure, it takes an entire round to finally drop the dude, but whatever. As well, I hope it’s especially demoralizing when they see me taking them out on the post-death Kill Cam. I’m just some asshole spraying everywhere. As usual.

I feel like fucking Joey on Dawson’s Creek. I have these two beautiful lovers pining for my existence. They cry to me, for my gamer ovaries! They want me oh so badly. And I love them, I love them both.

Modern Warfare 2 and World of Warcraft.

I thought I had moved on from Dawson…fuck, I mean WoW. I thought I was done. We had spent some good time together, don’t get me wrong. Years and years had passed while we grew closer together. But eventually, yeah, eventually I had gotten pretty fucking bored. Everything was the same, everything was boring.

My interest with Dawsoncraft plummeted right around the beginning of the Fall. The newest dungeon Trial of the Crusading Warrior Champion or whatever came out and it was fucking boring. BORING. It was a room. Just a room. Filled with dumb bosses. Seriously, I mean, that’s it? I’m a lady, god dammit! I expect to be treated with dignity! Warcraft had taken me for granted, and I swore I was over him.

It wasn’t the first time I thought I was done with Warcraft. There had been ebbs and flows in our relationship. I mean, that’s how every relationship is, right? Boredom gives way to violent sex, gives way to fun nights watching Spielberg movies, gives way to an enjoyable comfortableness. But this time, I swore to myself, the boredom was different. It seemed more final. I was done.

And then there was Modern Warfare 2. So edgy. So totally sexy. Sort of like how Pacey in Dawson’s Creek. Pacey fucked his English teacher! How fucking awesome was that? Totally awesome. Especially since when I watched the show back as a freshmen in high school, I had the hottest English teacher ever. Little did I know, at the age of fourteen, I wouldn’t lose my virginity for another ten years. Holy shit! Anyways.

Modern Warfare 2 came along, and I was like, this is it, I’m sold. It was so much more accessible. Unlike Dawsoncraft, who insisted on having me on a tight schedule, I could fool around with Modern Warfare 2 like I wanted. What if I wanted a quick fling during the day? Done. Totally cool. What if I wanted to romp around in the middle of the night? Also awesome. No more of Warcraft’s neediness. No more having to show up at a certain time, to perform a certain task. So needy! So needy!

And I mean, things began getting serious pretty quickly. Modern Warfare and I were together like totally all the time. Time just flew by when I had him in my hands. We’d stay up late together, screaming obscenities and shooting people! True fucking love! I mean, is there anything more romantic than sticking someone with a semtex grenade and then giggling as their organs are liquified? I don’t think so. Do you?

And so I thought I was done man, I had found my new love. Weeks passed, and Warcraft creeped further into the back of my mind. Forgotten. Stuck next to old books I could barely remember, horrific memories of girlfriends with enormous pubic bushes, and the list of times I had shit myself. I kept playing Modern Warfare 2, certain it was the newest gaming addiction in my life.

And then I saw her. WoW came out with version 3.3, and I couldn’t help but bask in the eyes of the Icecrown Citadel. Well then! This sort of changed everything. Despite still playing Modern Warfare 2, I still had this new longing for the old days, for the lost love who had improved themselves and wanted me back.

I TRIED TO SHUT IT OUT AS HARD AS I COULD. But then last night? I came. I came back. And I came again. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. As much as I hated to say it, I needed Warcraft. I wanted Warcraft. I couldn’t leave Warcraft.

But now I’m stuck! I’m fucking stuck. I know they’d totally be pissed if they knew I had feelings for the other, but I can’t deny the way I feel! And it’s going to be too tiring. Logging off of Modern Warfare 2 to steal some hours of WoW, only to sneak back onto Xbox Live later that night and having Modern Warfare ask me where I’ve been. I can’t lie to either of them. Their faces are so innocent, so beautiful. And yet, I can’t choose either.

What’s the answer?! What do I do?!

Three-way.

Double-gaming penetration.

Why didn’t Joey every think of this?!

I’ve given up on being good at first-person shooters for a long time now. I simply accept that I don’t have the quick-twitch muscle fibers, or the brain capacity to be excellent at them. So when I try and talk my friend Bags into playing some MW2 with me, and he hits me with:

It’s going to be tough, because I’m going to suck at first.

I can absolutely relate to him. I’ve just come to grips with that a long time ago. I am not a unique gaming snowflake. There’s always going to be noobs that school my sad ass. Even with my acceptance of this fact, it still burns deep down inside to hear some twelve year old kid laughing at me because I missed with two full clips and then had the dishonor of him meleeing me to death.

The horror, the horror.

It didn’t always use to be so resigned to mediocrity. I used to be the shit in my close-knit gaming circle. High school friends and myself spending hours in my room as I took them to task with the beatdown stick in Mortal Kombat II or Mario Kart 64. My mortal enemy was also my best friend Joe, and it was usually the two of us giving each other a run for our money. Of course, even back then I sucked at FPS gamers. I can recall the teenage rampages I’d go into as Joe would remember spawn points (before we knew they were called spawn points) and usually throw a knife through my dumb face.

Then everything changed when Al Gore invented the fucking internet. And global warming. He condemned me to bake under the sun’s unleashed fury amidst a legion of gamers far superior to me. I was like the high school quarterback, trying all of a sudden to play college ball.

Oops.

Double oops.

I learned quickly that whatever lame skills I had on a local level didn’t translate to the global scheme. Fucking internet! I was aghast, I mean, I won the local Blockbuster video game challenge! A year’s worth of unlimited gaming rentals (which they stipulated in the small text was two a week; even my pre-pubescent brain recoiled at the trickery) at my disposal! But I wasn’t special, I wasn’t even good.

Fucking shit.

So the same applies to Modern Warfare 2. I’m not really good. If I get five kills, I feel like the fucking man. Oh, those ungracious gamers who rattle off 15 kills a session. What does a kill mean to them!? What does sex mean to a pornstar! Probably fucking nothing!

But Modern Warfare 2 is different. Because It’s kind of like little league. Everyone can win! Well, sort of. In other words, there are things even retard gamers like myself can strive for. With their dope-ass built in leveling system, this RPG whore right here can work towards swag, even while blowing. If I have enough persistence I can unlock new guns, modifications, et cetera. This is probably old hat to other Call of Duty players, but for me, it’s friggin’ tight. I mean, what other way to suck in a WoW-addicted gamer who sucks at FPSers?

Give them swag to work towards! If there’s one thing I like, it’s loot! LOOT, sweet, delicious loot. And even if I never come in first place, I can still garner myself a tight grenade launcher.

It’s a nice balance. Because of course, the skilled gamers, as in not me, can unlock this shit quicker. Every match gathers you XP, and the better you do, the more points you gain. They even have “Aw, you’re cute at sucking” type rewards, like getting five assists. I mean holy shit, they reward you for breaking your own death streak. It’s like free experience points. A little league reward for the kid who finally hit the ball. There you go Charlie, you may drool and you run to third base instead of first, but you successfully threw a ball to first base today.

Well done, here’s a cookie.

I love it.

I beat Modern Warfare 2 this morning. Sort of. With a FPS like MW2, is saying I finished the single-player campaign the same thing as saying you’re done with a meal when you finish your appetizer? I mean, I assume that any serious player is just getting going when they finish off the story mode.

It’s a pretty dope game, but I think it peaks a bit early. I felt the same way about Uncharted 2. I like my final episode, chapter, whatever, to be stacked with awesomeness. And if you rocket your hardest load two hours prior to it, even if what you’re experiencing is awesome, you’ve already jumped the shark.

For me, nothing topped the nuclear blast and the fallout in Washington. Everything after that was simple “sweet” as opposed to “holy fucking shit.”

It’s the same reason I’ve began to tune out of 24 every season right around thirteen episodes in the past few years. Take aside the fact that every season is practically the same – you know, just like Modern Warfare, it’s a couple of rogue dudes going against the government to truly save the world. But also, right around the thirteenth episode of a season of 24, Jack has already:

• Ate a live dog
• Shot a reputable member of the CIA
• Yelled at his daughter
• Gotten cancer
• Cured his own cancer
• Shot three-thousand terrorists
• Betrayed the president
• Won the love of the president
• Impregnated the president
• …A male president
• Killed the baby with his mind powers
• And set off thirteen nuclear devices

So I don’t blame the writers of 24, or Modern Warfare 2, or even Uncharted. They seem so eager to throw the kitchen sink at you, that about 3/4ths of the way through, they’re all…”Uh…well, now what?” Like I said though, I wasn’t let down, I just found that the story peaks a bit before the end.

If you want, and I hope you don’t, we could discuss the best way to craft a narrative, and detail arcing motions. I know that dramatic structure has the climax in the middle, but as anyone who has masturbated knows, we prefer our climax closer to the end.

What do you guys think? If you’ve played through the game, I’d love to hear your take on the single-player. I should reiterate that I loved the game, and I am hankering to play through it again. And like I said, every critique I have towards the single-player mode seems irrelevant, since it seems to be merely the offering to whet the palette.

Well, I got to the point in Modern Warfare 2 when you take the reins of a double-agent and shoot up a ton of innocent people in an airport. Coming directly off of it, and penning this shit as some sort of impression as opposed to an intellectual exercise, I’m not really sure how I feel about the scene. Did it achieve the desired effect of making me feel disturbed? Well, sure. I walked around an airport gunning down civilians, while deploring the dude that commanded me to.

My first reaction was a general sigh at the fatigue that has come from Jack Bauer-inspired utilitarianism. You’re thrust into the role of a soldier who is asked to go into deep-cover as a member of Russian Terrorist Guy’s group. And of course, the general prevention of a zillion casualties is of course rationalization for the fact that you help them gun down like three-hundred civilians. Slay the few, to save the millions! It’s an old hat, isn’t it? Jack Bauer and Jeremy Bentham and John Locke and LOST and a million other places have jacked off this theme for a million years.

I’m not really sure where I fall on this topic, but I know it’s been done to death.

But! But! But!

Maybe this scene is designed to show what truly killing the few to save the masses looks like! Perhaps the entire moment is to humanize the idea of sacrificing the few, and what that truly means. Instead of some mathematical equation, it shows the price of championing this utilitarian method of morality. It’s not just numbers, it’s human lives spread across an airport floor.

I think there may be the incorrect assumption that because Infinity Ward portrays this scene in their game, that they’re espousing this utilitarian belief themselves. The idea being that well, they have characters stating that you must lose some to save the greater sum, so clearly they believe this as well. But instead it seems that maybe they want to explode this notion through the use of this scene, and others throughout the game.

Again, I’ve barely played the game, I have no idea where I am within it. And I’m not even sure how I feel about all this, I’m writing it off the cuff and as it comes to mind. But I feel like there can be a mistake in assuming that the characters in a medium, any medium, generally mimic the beliefs of their creators. Just because we assume the “hero” echoes the beliefs of those who write them, doesn’t mean that’s correct.

And furthermore, perhaps because no one had played the scene prior to being outraged about it, no one has spoken about the fate of the compliant US soldier that takes place in the massacre. They’re murdered at the end of the chapter. This may be very well the punishment afforded to the one who complies with such a demand. Their is definite punishment to the character you control, they bleed out as the villains escape. Perhaps, in other words, if you adopt this utilitarian idea, then the bad guys always win?

I’m not really sure how I feel about the scene, nor am I sure what Infinity Ward was trying to say, or ends up saying. But the scene itself is intriguing, and worthy of discussion. If they wanted to get us talking, they’ve certainly succeeded.

That lumbering drone you hear emanating from the hills is the bone-crunching soul smasher that is the new installment of the Modern Warfare franchise ready to fucking rock. Activision, between owning Blizzard and Infinity Ward, is probably close to building their moon laser or some crazy shit.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

Like probably every other gamer in the world this week, I’ll be playing myself some Modern Warfare 2 this week. It’s cool that I have twelve other games that I’ve barely delved into. They all get rocked with the PAUSE  button for a bit. I don’t want other gamers to look at me and think that I’m a lamer – I need to be playing this, or otherwise I’m just another jobber.

I wish I could impress on people how fucking awful I am at first-person shooter games. I was raised on a steady diet of platformers and action games. I can catch a zillion rings in Sonic while going at light-speed, or navigate some seriously wall-climbing shit with Rachet or Jak or Mario. But pwning nubs with like, you know, a totally impressive gun?

I blow.

I’m not sure if I’m capable of upgrading my skills to any measure of proficiency, but one can hope.

I’m still listening to Between the Buried and Me‘s album The Great Misdirect ad nauseum.

If you’re not watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then you are depriving yourself of something truly awesome/awful. It’s the first thing I like to rock on my DVR every week with Blondie McGorgeous. And if you want to see how lame I am, I generally enjoy watching America’s Next Top Model secondly. Shit’s getting fucking intense! Next week two people are getting eliminated! Holy fucking shit! Seriously though, watch Always Sunny. I’d say it may offend your sensibilities, but you read this fucking site. How can you be offended by…anything if you’re still here?

I have thirty pages left before I’m done reading The Brothers Karamzov. I think it’s the first book I’ve read in a long time where finishing it can actually be counted as an “accomplishment”. Go fucking me! When I’m done I should count the amount of pages I’ve dog eared and passages underlined. If you want to take on a dense tome of illumination, I point you in this direction. If you’re scared by miniscule text and enormity, stay the fuck away. Nosebleeds may occur.

What are you fucks doing this week?

About a week ago a bunch of shenanigans popped off regarding some controversial scene in the forthcoming Modern Warfare 2. There’s an optional scene that depicts a bunch of pinko Russian terrorists that carve up an airport with bullet spray. The player assumes the role of a terrorist, and well, shoots up innocent civilians. Not unexpectedly, a thousand-million people shit their pants in outrage, swore to boycott the game, et cetera. Australia, bored with counting its kangaroos and starting up Outback Steakhouse franchises decided it wanted to reconsider the rating they gave the game.

I’m completely cool with it.

It seems pretty obvious that Infinity Ward is trying to rock a nauseating angle with this scene. The entire expression seems to be a means to depict the horror of terrorism. Infinity Ward themselves conveyed as much in a statement:

The scene establishes the depth of evil and the cold bloodedness of a rogue Russian villain and his unit. By establishing that evil, it adds to the urgency of the player’s mission to stop them.

I imagine there is going to be a visceral, disturbing aspect towards controlling a character slaying a bunch of innocent people. Furthermore, I think it’s an interesting method to evoke such feelings. Infinity Ward takes the unique media of video games to literally put the player in the pants of a pinko murderer. It’s a way of depicting terrorism that may be unique to video games. Sure, there could be first person narrative in a book, or a point of view perspective in a movie, but actually playing the role of the terrorist?

Sort of unique.

I can appreciate that there is a disturbing agency to the situation. The player, as the terrorist, is asked to pull the trigger and kill the civilians. It’s a bit different than simply guiding the player through a first-person perspective. Instead they’re responsible for mauling the player with bullet-spray. Is there a difference between making the player view the atrocity, and making them commit the atrocity?

Probably.

Definitely.

Perhaps it’s an attempt to build some tactile horror at committing the crime. The player, acting as the terrorist, manifests guilt at their own actions. They themselves feel guilty for the behavior, and as Infinity Ward suggests, thereby wants to stop the terrorists even more so.

Speaking only for myself, I’d find the scene disturbing. I’m not really cool with shooting innocent people – go figure – and being asked to do so would create exactly the vibe that Infinity Ward was going for – you know, man this is fucked up, and I want to barf a little all over my shirt. I can still recall with nausea a few scenes from Modern Warfare that had me queasy – playing the part of the captured agent, or crawling out of some sort of vehicle, forgive me I forget the particular, and dying after a nuclear blast or some shit.

It’s disturbing. And I think it’s supposed to be.

It’s hard to imagine how you can take this episode, scene, whatever, and parlay it into Infinity Ward condoning, or blessing terrorism. Especially when they explicitly state that the entire moment is intended to craft a moment where the player is all, you know, what the fuck, this is horrid. Is depicting any scene in the media of terrorism a way of condoning it? Or is it when you assume the mantle of a terrorist, that it becomes condoning? And is that even only when you’re culpable for murdering people as the terrorist?

Invariably and probably with good cause, people are going to point out the choads of the world. You know, the juggalos and the mouth-breathers that will go Columbine and enjoy shooting the civilians. Yeah, they’re out there, and deny it would be pretty naive. Infinity Ward tries to address that to a certain measure, stating that this is the only moment where a player will be able to shoot civilians. And even further, that should a player do so in other moments in the game will result in some FISSION MAILED type shit.

So is it disturbing? Sure. And why shouldn’t it be? I know that again people will point to the agency, and suggest that there’s a difference between watching terrorists commit murder, and committing the atrocities yourself as the terrorists. Maybe there’s something there. Maybe it is tasteless. But who cares?

I think there’s something to be said for Infinity Ward’s right to be tasteless. I mean this in the same sense that I feel it is within the rights of any medium of expression to be tasteless. There are countless television shows and movies and books and graphic novels and albums that are tasteless, and I’m not sure they deserve the BAN STICK just because people find them appalling. Is it crass? I don’t think so, but maybe you do.

Does it trivialize death? Sure, maybe. Countless other mediums do. Personally I think it’ll bring home the concept and awfulness of terrorism that might not be done in other ways. Agree to disagree. Carry on.

Maybe that’s why this topic is so great. It’s already aroused debate about the appropriateness of this scene, and aroused a discussion of the depiction of terrorism in the media. Maybe it drives home the crappiness of taking a life. The irony being that throughout the rest of the game, the player is nonchalantly mowing down humans like it’s the new black. But at the end of the day, for me, not only is it achieving the horror of terroism, but even if it failed to do so and trivialized it, I think Infinity Ward has the right to make that mistake.

You have to love a sensationalistic headline, don’t you?

Infinity Ward posted some CTF goodness over on their official Youtube. Holy shit is this gameplay footage gorgeous.

I’m just kidding about it the headline, though.  Sort of. My brother worked at a summer camp and told me that some kids played CoD and you know, had years to go before their first nocturnal emission. My therapist’s kid plays it, I think he’s thirteen. EVERYONE plays it. It’s universally loved. Like pizza.

[ story via kotaku ]