Listen man! When you’re riding high, you’re willing to run the fucking gaunlet! Geohot stunted back when he first released the PS3 rootkey and Sony was pissed off. He wasn’t going to accept anything aside from some apology from Sony. However, Sony has subsequently released the robo-ninjas, Geohot fled to South America, and now he’s singing a different tune.
[WEEKEND OPEN BAR: The one-stop ramble-about-anything weekend post at OL. Comment on the topic at hand. Tell us how drunk you are. Describe a comic you bought. This is your chance to bring the party.]
Words were launched, attacks salvo’d over the week when Anonymous decided they want to throw down with Sony. By now, you must have your dome piece fiercely ensconced in the sand-pipes to not know the swagger of these dudes. And dudettes? I assume there has to be some females.
Anyways, I’ve always dug on Anonymous. As I’ve written in prior posts, maybe it’s the teenage petulant FUCK THE MAN in me. Read an article and you’ll see the juvenility bleeding through my fingers into poorly edited (like this one is assured to be) ramblings of an over-caffeinated douchebag.
Maybe I’m still a petulant teenager who likes seeing the Man getting a shitty dildo smeared across their face, but I fucking enjoy Anonymous. Since their declaration earlier this week, they’ve continued to pummel Sony’s Playstation Network with all sorts of magical Internet Steel Chairs and other awesome metaphorical ass-whuppery.
Oh shit! Anonymous is totally cheesed off with Sony for suing George ‘GeoHot’ Hotz for releasing the PS3 root key into the world. Today they threatened to slap the taste out of Sony’s Collective Mouf in one of their typically creepy videos. A couple of hours later, PlayStation Network went down for ‘repairs.’
When diversions are king, video games shall be amongst those running the pack. Making sure that everyone has the appropriate tattoos. Knowing the gang symbols. The terminology. Ruling the roost, if you will. This is Press Start!, the column where I spout off five things that happened in the world of gaming in a given week. My lists are dumb. Like yours, they are rife with personal preference, ideological tendencies, and since it’s me – juvenile bullshit.
I encourage all aboard to share their own musings.
#1: Apple App Store Gets App That ‘Cures Homosexuality’, For Like A Second.
God damn, I have to give it to Apple. I knew from the multifarious apps found on Apple’s store were fucking powerful. I knew there were a lot of apps that could do a lot of things. Find a yummy restaurant for my belly! Find movie tickets. Play Angry Birds! Read a book! However, I wasn’t aware there was an app that could cure my raging hard-on for Chris Hemsworth in chainmail.
That’s where Exodus International steps in! They released an app that claimed to cure gayness. It was a bit of an odd mood, since the fascist pigs at Apple have pulled some less polarizing applications. Wasn’t there one that cost like a zillion dollars? The Douche App? It did nothing aside from signify you could spend a lot of money?
Anyways, a day and one enormous 152,433 online signature later, they pulled the son of a bitch.
I’m actually okay with the existence of the app, if it wasn’t such an odd choice in lieu of what they have pulled. I am of the opinion that if a bunch of closed-minded assholes rubbing their genitals against a withering old tome want to try and make some money off their own ignorance, let them try.
Besides, it doesn’t work. I downloaded the app – mind you, I didn’t actually use it. However, if it worked, how would they trick the sinners into using it?! It must have unactivated capabilities, right? What I did do was stick my iPhone in my crotch and had my friend call me repeatedly with the phone on vibrate while I stared at Chris Evans’ pecs in the Captain America trailer. Still felt the love. Don’t tell my girlfriend.
#2: New Movie ‘The FP’ Where Dance-Dance Meets Post-Apocalypse Gang Wars.
In the future, we will all be divided amongst post-apocalypse gangs. When diversions are king, our lives will be dedicated to maintaining our reps and our various crews. The flick ‘The FP’ which screened at SXSW last week perfectly captures our forthcoming sociocultural metamorphosis. Also, the movie is fucking madness.
Gangs fight it out in fatal games of DDR, titties, and absurd montages. The trailer is what happens when you cross 1980′s bro movies with video game slop-culture. In a completely conscious, and planning manner.
#3: Triforce Johnson Waits In Line For Nintendo 3DS. Gets Thrown Out. Returns.
Isaiah-Triforce Johnson is either the man, or a fucking mental patient. For some reason, I feel like the two categories bleed together so simply swimmingly when it comes to geek culture. Triforce, who had the phrase legally added to his first fucking name, is a man with a plan. The plan in question is to be the first motherfucker in Manhattan to get a Nintendo 3DS. He’s taken to this plan by waiting in line inside the foyer of the Union Square Best Buy in the Big Apple.
Earlier this week, Best Buy had security throw the dude out.
But that doesn’t stop a motherfucker, does it? He returned, and has apparently smoothed the entire thing over. “There was a Chris Brown launch party the night I came out” he said, so “Best Buy needed that space for the line. It kinda looked bad, but it was just a misunderstanding.”
Godspeed Triforce, you’re almost fucking there.
I have to admit that I’m maybe enjoying the legal jockeying between Geohot and Sony more than I expected. Yesterday, after Sony announced that Hacker Eminem had fled the country and not handed over requested hardware, Geohot’s lawyer and he himself responded.
Ah, Geohot. Fuck you, kid. You thought you were so ballin’ cracking the PS3 and giving out its root key. So confident you put up a painful YouTube diss track talking shit about Sony. Clearly you’re now feeling the heat that I predicted. The law, and more importantly, the robot ninjas are on your tail. And you’ve fled, fled to South America.
I was amused by GeoHot for a bit. Dude stole the PS3′s soul when he made public to the world its root key. However, then the dude went all retarded issuing rap disses and stuff or whatever. Since then I’ve been clamoring to see him publicly pimp-slapped by an ace team of Sony roboninjas. Today I have gotten one step closer to having my wish fulfilled.
Sony was given access to GeoHot’s PayPal records.
GeoHot wasn’t comfortable just outing the PS3′s root key, and getting sued by Sony. No sir. On top of that, the awkward motherfucker has gone and cut a diss track and posted the video on the internet. I have to appreciate his stupidity/balls. If I was getting sued by a major corporation, I wouldn’t be spitting white boy rhymes about them for the internet to see.
Hit the jump for some Caucasian flow.
Press Start! Your one-stop shopping center for uh, nonsense? The weekly column where I drop the five things in the gaming world that caught my eyes. I’m cranking this pig out with a bit of a headache, so I apologize if its (more) slapdash (than usual.) Hit the comments box with your gaming happenings, my comrades in dual-analogs.
#1: Wesley Snipes Is Making A Video Game.
I don’t know what we’ve done as a people to deserve this karmic high-five. Sometimes you just need to accept something solid coming your way, and not question it. Wesley Snipes is many things. A felon. Blade. Willie Mays Hayes. Above all of that however, the dude is a multimedia mogul. While serving time in prison, Snipes has been working on a video game for for the iPhone and iPad. Titled Julius Styles: The International, this son of a bitch is only the beginning. Snipes is looking to parlay this son of a bitch into a movie. Down the road in 2013. When he’s let out of jail for tax evasion. The fucking fascists man, they’re holding him back from executing this grand scheme soon.
This wasn’t the only righteous moment of video game absurdity this week. We were also informed we were getting a reality show based on Pac-Man. Yup.
#2: Sony & GeoHot Prepare To Throw Down.
Last week, the big news was that the hacker GeoHot released the PlayStation 3′s root key. This week was Sony’s move, as began to take legal action against GeoHot. Speaking of the man, condemn these corporate pigs! No, but seriously. You can’t blow the PlayStation 3′s asshole wide open and not expect some sort of legal action to be thrown your way. There’s a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo being thrown around that is way over my head. Sony has released one document that contains “over 280 pages of “evidence” to provide cause for enjoining them against further hacking — said evidence consisting of full, copy-and-pasted pages from Twitter accounts, forum posts, and news stories relating to the recent discoveries of the PS3′s private and root keys.”
That doesn’t phase Geo, though! Dude knows his rights. Or should I say, he feels pretty confidently in what believes are his rights. Hot responded to Sony’s charges by saying “I would expect a company that prides itself on intellectual property to be well versed in the provisions of the law, so I am disappointed in Sony’s current action…cont…I have spoken with legal counsel and I feel comfortable that Sony’s action against me doesn’t have any basis.”
I hope you’re right, bro. You’re lucky this is Sony. If you fuck with Nintendo, they don’t press charges. Their ninjas up and kill you.
#3: EA CEO Predicts Digital Sales Surpass Retail This Year.
John Riccitiello is the CEO of Electronic Arts. So when he speaks, there are two things to consider. First, that he carries a lot of weight with his predictions. His visions have merit. However, secondly, anything he promotes is going to be heavily politicized. His visions have merit, because he has the clout to largely enact them by himself. I mean, fucking Electronic Arts. Thar be the Leviathan, no?
Riccitello was quoted in a recent interview as saying, “At the end of , the digital business is bigger than the packaged goods business, full stop. No questions in my mind. Then, you know, I think that we’ll find ways to even sell our packaged goods content in chunks and in pieces and subscriptions and micro-transactions.” When the leader of a juggernaut makes such claims, it is hard to dismiss it.
The future is going intangible, yo! It can’t be helped. That is the price or progress. Or capitalism. But not only is it going intangible, but it is going to be chopped into tiny pieces and you’re going to be nickel and dimed to death. To death. That’s just going to be the way it is. Why? Because John Riccitiello wants it that way, and he has a sledgehammer powerful enough to beat it into being.
Just today I started having an anxiety attack realizing I don’t physically own a good portion of my music. What if society collapses! What if my hard drive crashes? I’m done! Now apply that to everything, including video games. Then there’s the whole microtransaction thing, and this article petrifies me on two fronts.
Oh Riccitiello, you fuck.