Confession time sans any shame: When I was a wee boy, I would run around in my backyard, sword-stick in hand, playing in imaginary worlds that were mostly inspired by the 8-bit NES maps in Final Fantasy and Legend of Zelda. These worlds, grand for a little awesome kid, offered the perfect bird’s-eye view of spatial possibilities, offsetting where you could and could not go–that is, until a major weapon, accessory, magic, or tip was found that would be duly employed to blast through any and all obstacles. Needless to say, life was good. But now that I am old and boring and my penchant for whimsically running around in my backyard returns to me only when I am drunk or deranged, such fancies have passed from my everyday existence–until now. Clearly on a similar wavelength, the gamers behind Google Maps dropped an 8-bit April Fools masterpiece on the world. Take a bird’s-eye view after the jump.
Oh shit, chocobos have turned thirteen. And just like a teenager, chocobos have grown fucking huge, and sport amazing, cheesy mohawks. I fucking dig their new look. They’re goddamn enormous, they dwarf the baddies seen in this scan, and they cum in their pants while they sleep. I may have made that last part up. They actually cum in the hay in the barns they sleep in. Click the picture for the entire scan.
Oh shit, a new Final Fantasy XIII character! What’s her name?!?!
Oorba Yun Fang.
No seriously Ian, what’s her name!
Oorba Yun Fang
Square, what the fuck! Seriously, this ridiculousness with your names is getting awful. It’s almost Tekken bad. Well, Fing Fang Foom can summon Bahamut, and she’s also got a retarded tribal tattoo like half the guys at your local gym!
Fing Fang Foom was revealed in a trailer last month or some shit, and you can check out the scan she’s featured in by clicking on this link.
The newest Final Fantasy XIII clip to leak from god knows where and uploaded by god knows who to the internet shows clips from the newest trailer that was totally secret and not shown to the public. How do I know? Because I find this at Kotaku and they were like “This is exactly like the stuff we saw and you didn’t. Because it was secret. But we saw it anyways. We saw the secret clip. That you didn’t.” Check out the video after the jump.
OMFG, FFXIII is Japanese dated, right? Well guess what, “International Gamers”, Square Enix boss Yoichi Wada has a release date for you:
“In the past, it’s taken a year or half a year to release our games abroad, but this time we are aiming for an international release this Spring”
Uhh…Spring? I wasn’t happy with this, so I raised my hand.
Uh, you’re like, fucking around, right? Spring? Like, sometime between March 20 and like uh…June something? Fuck, my elementary school education is lost in a pile of pills and caffeine. Seriously though, when?
And he responded,
Sometime in Spring. It may even be Australian spring. How do you like me now, addicted gamer bitch?
He then flipped me off, grabbed his crotch, and left the stage.
Spring. Well fuck. I’m starting graduate school in January, so if I may make a suggestion: Either during Spring Break in March, or at the beginning of May.
Final Fantasy XIII. I’ve been sweating this shit forever. Let’s put it this way. I had a Final Fantasy XIII desktop back when I was taking Shakespeare II at college. In that class was my future girlfriend. I didn’t begin dating her until a year later. AND we’ve been dating for eighteen months. Do the math. With all the info coming out about FFXIII lately, I’m beginning to worry it may exist. Which in turn gets my hopes up. Fuck. Please, Square. Please!
This video is utterly fucking gorgeous, and FFXIII director Motomu Toriyama breaks down the combat system for all of us fanboys. Caution to those who watch, it may induce a hysterical sense of urgency regarding this game coming out.
Square demonstrates in a bunch of new Final Fantasy XIII pictures that they know their fanbase very well. How so? They’ve given us something out of our dirty little dreams. It’s a commonly known fact that nerds go absolutely fucking bananas for chicks with glasses. I think it’s a psychological phenomenon. We also like women who demonstrate power, since you know, we’re typically weak, fat, and eating spaghettios in our underwear. So what does Square do? They give us Jihl Nabaat. She’s a hot babe with glasses who apparently is a hard ass and wears latex. A DOMINATRIX IN LEATHER WITH GLASSES?
Holy shit. Well done, Square. Now let’s turn this game into something other than vaporware and give us the ability to take our own screenshots. I have plans. Filthy plans.
[ check the new screens @ destructoid ]