NASA has dropped the boom on their teased discovery. Seven Earth-sized planets 40 light-years away. Three in the habitable “Goldilocks” zone. Everyone is understandably excited about this news, so let me be a downer. 40 light-years away is more than enough distance for us to never get there, especially since we got like 100 years left on this rotting formerly Blue Marble.
Pack your bags, it’s on! We’ve found ourselves a confirmed near-Earth-sized planet rocking out in the “habitable zone.” And it’s only a mere 1,400 light-years away!
Fuckin’ astronomers DON’T KNOW SHIT. But don’t tell them that. Oh, no! One minute they’re decrying my idea that Mars is secretly terraformed, and the Bill Gates-led Illuminati is living on it. LIKE THEY KNOW EVERYTHING. The next minute the fucking ding dongs are announcing that they’ve discovered a Mega Earth. Which shouldn’t exist. according to previously understood Astrono-Theory.
Pack your bags! Once we can conquer the impossible and traffic faster than light, we’ve found our first stop. Motherfuckin’ Earth-sized planet has been spotted in the “juicy space spot”, where planets thrive. I’m just spit balling. I don’t really know what I’m talking about. Too busy fingering my ass in public and screaming “you’ll never find me where I’m going!” while wearing my NASA space suit.
All the planets! We will discover them all! And then — then we will silently weep because we will never reach any of them. Goddamn technological limitations! Goddamn laws of the Universe.
Earth! It has itself a fucking twin. The only problem is that this Exoplanet twin is a scalding little piece of hell, constantly whipping around its star with an impressive fervor.
A mere 375 light-years away lurks the star HIP 11952 and its two planets. These days exoplanets are a dime a goddamn dozen, but these two are a bit on the special tip. Using their brain-cannons to calculate and tabulate, people smarter than me have dated these two pigs at nearly the same age as the Big Bang.
Man! Woman! Transgender! Everyone! Do you remember when it was like totally special to find an exoplanet? Yeah I’m struggling to, too. Astronomers have found the first four of 2012! Like, whatevs.
WASP-12b likes it hot. Or at least it better. Located just two million miles away from its star, the motherfucking temperature on its surface is 4000 degrees Fahrenheit. WASP-12b ain’t fretting though. It’s got its own blast shield to save its atmosphere.
Galactic science, get!