Game Informer is going to be all up in Gears of War’s guts. All we have so far is the cover, a darkened piece of brooding non-reveal.
Cliffy B and the Wunder Heads behind Gears of War 3 offered up a gorgeous HGH-fueled engine that somehow still surprised even this late into the 360′s life cycle. Dude Huger has proclaimed that even more can be gotten getted good.
Dude Huge has been spoutin’ off lately, and I’m all for it. The new object he’s aiming his Lancer at? Nintendo haters. Cliffy B hast seen the Wii U, and claims that those running their mouths about it are full of shit. They’ll be snagging it anyways.
I absolutely love Chez-Its. Nothing relaxes me more than popping down on the toilet mashing a handful of Chez-Its into my gullet while checking my Tumblr on my iPhone. One of the other things I absolutely love is the use of adverbs. Hemingway fucking hates me. On top of those two pure, unadulterated loves of mine is my unremitting love for video games.
That’s why I write this column. Press Start!, the post where I run down five things that happened in the world of video games this week. I’m covered in Chez-It crumbs and ready to vomit verbose into your eye-mind-mouths.
Let’s party, guys!
The bandwidth piping of the internet wails with electronic wizardy! Information runs about and overwhelms the average purveyor. Hush child, it’s okay. You have me and this fine column right here. Press Start!, the halls of which are populated with the five things in gaming that caught my eye this week. It’s going to be okay, latch onto my teat and I shall feed you all the divine nectar of polygonal prowess you need to ingest. Watch the nipple hairs though, I ain’t getting any younger.
#1: Dude Huge Proclaims ‘Middle Class’ Games Dead.
Cliff Bleszinski, otherwise known as Dude Huge at his panel at GDC dropped what some could construe as a controversial comment. Duder went on record as saying that the ‘middle class’ game is dead. With rising development costs, the middle class has been grounded out of existence. Stop me when this sounds familiar? According to Bleszinski:
I’m going to go on the record and say that I believe the middle class game is dead.
We have a cautious consumer. People are still smarting from the recession. People don’t go to Target anymore and spend $200 randomly.
If you’re on forums and you see terms like ‘day one rental’ or ‘campaign rental’ — pack it in because your game is not going to sell.
Huge catches a lot of guff for the same shit he catches a lot of adulation for. His games are populated with absurd facsimiles of men. Hulking boner-driven organisms that are reflective of the average dude’s total wet dream. But Dude seems more than well aware of the environment he helps create, describing the characters of Gears of War as guys who “are so big and ‘Grrrr!’–almost careicatures of men”. With this in mind it should be no surprise than that he can take a longer look at the industry as a whole, and I’m inclined to agree with his assessment to an extent.
Where do you guys fall?
#2: Charlie Sheen Meets Animal Crossing.
The Charlie Sheen juggernaut could not have avoided the video game world. It is impossible. The cultural blight is smashing down all boundaries. The festering ass sore that is infected to the point of oozing all over our Collective Unconscious shall dominate every medium! Every venue! By next week we’ll be on to the next one, but for now, it’s all Charlie. All the time.
In the video game world, we have Charlie Sheen Crossing. A mash-up of screens from Animal Crossing and the nuggets of Charlie Sheen greatness that we’re gleefully ingesting as part of our relentlessly diet of panem et circenses. Hey man, don’t blame me. I’m merely a product of my culture, and that’s video games and worshiping crackhead women-hitting pieces of shit.
#3: Yu Suzuki Teases Shenmue 3 Again; Fanboys Cum.
Let me blow your fucking mind. I thought Shenmue was complete and utter asshole, and I couldn’t be bothered to try out the second one. I know it’s something approximating heresy around certain gaming circles, but those titles just weren’t for me. However, there’s a good collection of people out there who go absolutely fucking bananas for the franchise. They must have been totally stoked this week when Yu Suzuki once again teased the possibility of there being a third Shenmue. Speaking at GDC, Suzuki stated “I think Sega will let me make it.”
There you go.
That was enough to send all the gaming sites into a fervor, breathlessly recounting those eight words. Even though they were caged and he admitted that nothing was definite. Even without liking the franchise, I find the fanaticism surrounding it to be interesting as fuck. So despite not really wanting to play any of the titles, the idea that this long-lusted after third title could actually see the world outside of Suzuki’s head is pretty fucking interesting.
This is all you need to know about Bulletstorm. You shoot the fucking shit out of shit. You swear a lot. There’s fucking hilarious (intentionally) cheesy action movie lines like “I predict an imminent detonation…”, ” I predict an imminent getting the fuck out of here!” and “Last train out of explosion town!” You shoot more dudes. You rack up insane arcadey combos. You have fucking sweet fucking weapons. You shoot more shit. I think the main character is voiced by Spike Spiegel’s voice actor. Who also did 7-Eleven ads, which is double fucking win. Hit the jump, watch the trailer, sorry about your genitals.
Bulletstorm is a game being co-created by Epic Games and Painkiller Studios. You may recognize Epic Games as being helmed by Ciffy B, or Dude Huge, who are a bastion of insanely jacked dudes fucking firing shit.
Bulletstorm seems more of the same. Same awesomeness.
You are apparently a drunk fucking space pirate who wants to fucking fuck shit the fuck up with fucking guns. It sounds ridiculous and amazing:
Bulletstorm tells the story of a futuristic confederation protected by an elite band of mercenaries: Dead Echo. When Dead Echo members Grayson Hunt and Ishi Sato learn they’ve been working for the wrong side, they’re betrayed by their commander and exiled to the far reaches of the galaxy. In Bulletstorm, Grayson and Ishi find themselves surrounded by hordes of mutants and flesh eating gangs in an abandoned paradise. They have two objectives: get off the planet alive, and exact revenge on the man who sent them there.
And you get fucking perks for the crazier fucking way you fucking kill shit:
The skillshot system rewards players for inciting mayhem in the most creative way possible. The more insane the skillshot, the more points players collect to upgrade their character and unlock weapons, which then allows them to execute even more creative moves and exaggerated skillshots.
This shit sounds like a haven for fucking testosterone and juvenile masturbatory fucking ridiculous absurdity kapow sweetness. It sounds like a fucking boner ejaculating missile rocket extravagance. Fuck yeah.
Shit fucking pops off tonight when Dude fucking Huge fucking debuts it. I’ll be in line fingering myself at the release of Splinter Cell: Conviction or else I’d be fucking watching it.
[In this post I've tried to set my record for words to swears ratio.]
Gears of War 3 has been OOPS announced too early. I was totally shocked that a third installment in a highly successful franchise was coming. I damn near shit my pantaloons.
Somebody at Microsoft appears to have flicked a switch a little early, with an advertisement appearing on the Xbox 360 dashboard tonight for Gears of War 3. There’s the trademark Gears of War logo, and a tagline that reads “The epic story concludes April 2011″. The ad appears to have jumped the proverbial gun, with the official reveal of the game not expected to have taken place until an appearance from Epic’s Cliff Bleszinski on the Jimmy Fallon show on Monday night.
I fucking love the Gears of War franchise! Why? Well, let’s see. It plays like the brainchild of a thirteen year-old with a fucking boner. Everyone is totally jacked and everyone is running around fucking shooting things! It’s fucking X-TREME.
It’s something that my friend Bags would think of back when he was in middle school. He’s the same guy that played through Resident Evil 5 with me, and I could literally hear him moaning into his microphone about how “ripped” Chris Redfield was.
Marcus Phoenix is fucking awesome because he has a saw on his gun and he shoots the fucking shit out of shit while having edgy facial hair.
I’m not kidding, I dig this shit. Hard.