#March2011

First Person Mario: The Plumber Goes Bulletstorm.

Brandon Laatsch created a 3DSMax animation that imagined good old fucking Super Mario Bros. as a first person experience with absurd achievements like in Bulletstorm. If only this gem was real.

Hit the jump for the video.

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REVIEW: Bulletstorm

[Alright, so check it. This review is by The Faux Bot and originally written for Mad Gear Solid. When I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to finish the game in time, I asked him if he’d want to syndicate his shit. He said yes. Faux Bot is a genius, scholar, and friend of the site. He’s also funnier than me, and Mad Gear Solid is our spiritual twin from over on the other site of the pond. So go to fucking Mad Gear Solid, or die by a flaming sword draped in profanity and hate.]

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Here is a list of some words that make me think of Bulletstorm; squelch, slam, gush, firework, meat, erupt, anal, cavity, spurt, squish, rupture, forced, insertion, sack, giblets, cram, innards, gullet, crunch, drill, impale, tear, bore, flesh, sever, penetrate. These are but a few, however, they perfectly illustrate the amusing meta-game that I’ve created inside my juvenile mind. I like to re-arrange the words as you would with those amusing novelty fridge magnets —you know the kind- so that I can make deliciously witty and outrageous phrases that help me to decide on how to orchestrate my upcoming blood-bath.FORCIBLY INSERT ANAL DRILL and it’s done.

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Bulletstorm Guys Put Out Playable Call of Duty Parody, “Duty Calls.”

This, my friends, is just another moment in the greatest gaming marketing campaign of all time. The dudes behind Bulletstorm have released a playable Call of Duty parody. For free. Right here. Download it. It’s fucking hilarious. It features a rather amazing deconstruction of the Call of Duty formula, through the mouths of all the cliched cats you come across in the game. I love me some Call of Duty, but I was fudging me cheeks while rocketing through the four minutes.

Don’t want to download it? Hit the jump for a video of the parody.

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Bulletstorm To Feature Gang Bangs? Check This Video.

Oh Bulletstorm. For a while, I loved you from afar. Your juvenile swagger spoke to me. Now, you’re getting closer and closer. I played the demo. You delivered. The distance that keeps us apart? Almost unbearable.

Today another video dropped, this time showing the Skillshot, the Gang Bang. Oh yeah man, the glory of this game will be known. Known well.

Hit the jump for the video.

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Bulletstorm Demo Impressions: BONERSTORM.

When I take up a cause, I do it full on. Over-the-top and out of control. If you’ve been poking around these parts lately, you know that I have undergone total dickcrush mode for Bulletstorm. Retarded, childish, juvenile, and embracing every fucking moment of it. The demo dropped today, and I was fucking stoked. As I downloaded that shit, I threw up a psalm or two dozen to whatever Vaporous Deity wanted to pay attention to me.

Dear Netherworld Otherbeings, please let this game fucking rock.

Sometimes, motherfuckers hear your prayer.

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Bulletstorm Trailer Promises To Make Your Butthole Pucker. No, Really.

If anyone were to describe Bulletstorm as juvenile retarded crap, I would respond by saying, “Seriously, I know. It’s going to be tremendous.” I respect the fuck out of Epic Games and People Can Fly by embracing the retarded juvenile Rob Liefeld wet dream that this game is, and marketing the fuck out of it that way. I don’t know how many trailers I’ve seen where the main character says something like “combos that will make your butthole pucker.”

If I had to guess, I’d say: not enough.

Hit the jump for the trailer.

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Press Start!: Jesus Christ, Wesley Snipes, And You.

Press Start! Your one-stop shopping center for uh, nonsense? The weekly column where I drop the five things in the gaming world that caught my eyes. I’m cranking this pig out with a bit of a headache, so I apologize if its (more) slapdash (than usual.) Hit the comments box with your gaming happenings, my comrades in dual-analogs.

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#1: Wesley Snipes Is Making A Video Game.
I don’t know what we’ve done as a people to deserve this karmic high-five. Sometimes you just need to accept something solid coming your way, and not question it. Wesley Snipes is many things. A felon. Blade. Willie Mays Hayes. Above all of that however, the dude is a multimedia mogul. While serving time in prison, Snipes has been working on a video game for for the iPhone and iPad. Titled Julius Styles: The International, this son of a bitch is only the beginning. Snipes is looking to parlay this son of a bitch into a movie. Down the road in 2013. When he’s let out of jail for tax evasion. The fucking fascists man, they’re holding him back from executing this grand scheme soon.

This wasn’t the only righteous moment of video game absurdity this week. We were also informed we were getting a reality show based on Pac-Man. Yup.

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#2: Sony & GeoHot Prepare To Throw Down.
Last week, the big news was that the hacker GeoHot released the PlayStation 3’s root key. This week was Sony’s move, as began to take legal action against GeoHot. Speaking of the man, condemn these corporate pigs! No, but seriously. You can’t blow the PlayStation 3’s asshole wide open and not expect some sort of legal action to be thrown your way. There’s a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo being thrown around that is way over my head. Sony has released one document that contains “over 280 pages of “evidence” to provide cause for enjoining them against further hacking — said evidence consisting of full, copy-and-pasted pages from Twitter accounts, forum posts, and news stories relating to the recent discoveries of the PS3’s private and root keys.”

That doesn’t phase Geo, though! Dude knows his rights. Or should I say, he feels pretty confidently in what believes are his rights. Hot responded to Sony’s charges by saying “I would expect a company that prides itself on intellectual property to be well versed in the provisions of the law, so I am disappointed in Sony’s current action…cont…I have spoken with legal counsel and I feel comfortable that Sony’s action against me doesn’t have any basis.”

I hope you’re right, bro. You’re lucky this is Sony. If you fuck with Nintendo, they don’t press charges. Their ninjas up and kill you.

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#3: EA CEO Predicts Digital Sales Surpass Retail This Year.
John Riccitiello is the CEO of Electronic Arts. So when he speaks, there are two things to consider. First, that he carries a lot of weight with his predictions. His visions have merit. However, secondly, anything he promotes is going to be heavily politicized. His visions have merit, because he has the clout to largely enact them by himself. I mean, fucking Electronic Arts. Thar be the Leviathan, no?

Riccitello was quoted in a recent interview as saying,  “At the end of [2011], the digital business is bigger than the packaged goods business, full stop. No questions in my mind. Then, you know, I think that we’ll find ways to even sell our packaged goods content in chunks and in pieces and subscriptions and micro-transactions.” When the leader of a juggernaut makes such claims, it is hard to dismiss it.

The future is going intangible, yo! It can’t be helped. That is the price or progress. Or capitalism. But not only is it going intangible, but it is going to be chopped into tiny pieces and you’re going to be nickel and dimed to death. To death. That’s just going to be the way it is. Why? Because John Riccitiello wants it that way, and he has a sledgehammer powerful enough to beat it into being.

Just today I started having an anxiety attack realizing I don’t physically own a  good portion of my music. What if society collapses! What if my hard drive crashes? I’m done! Now apply that to everything, including video games. Then there’s the whole microtransaction thing, and this article petrifies me on two fronts.

Oh Riccitiello, you fuck.

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Bulletstorm Disses Halo With Projectile Vomiting Diorama Video. Awesome.

Oh Bulletstorm. God I want this game. Their marketing campaign is fucking outstanding. There are the Bulletpoints bits they’ve been rolling out, and now there’s this. Remember those totally artsy Halo advertisements with the dioramas of the battlefield? Yeah, Bulletstorm and the gurus behind it take aim at those ads. With figurine projectile vomiting. It’s fucking amazing.

Hit the jump for the video.

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Dude Huge And Bulletstorm Blow Out Your Ass. [Video.]

The newest Bulletpoints came out today, in hype of Bulletstorm, and if you thought the first one was great, wait until you see this. Dude Huge pontificates on his grandfather telling him he can do anything. It also features the phrase “blow out a man’s asshole.”

Hit the jump for the video.

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E3 Bulletstorm Demo Will BLOW YOUR GENITALS APART

KABOOM

This is all you need to know about Bulletstorm. You shoot the fucking shit out of shit. You swear a lot. There’s fucking hilarious (intentionally) cheesy action movie lines like “I predict an imminent detonation…”, ” I predict an imminent getting the fuck out of here!” and “Last train out of explosion town!” You shoot more dudes. You rack up insane arcadey combos. You have fucking sweet fucking weapons. You shoot more shit. I think the main character is voiced by Spike Spiegel’s voice actor. Who also did 7-Eleven ads, which is double fucking win. Hit the jump, watch the trailer, sorry about your genitals.

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