BioWare has announced the next Mass Effect 2 DLC: Lair of the Shadow Broker, dropping uh, sometime. Apparently the DLC takes place in response to a bunch of hogwash bullshit that took place during Mass Effect 2 that we never saw. But was in a comic book.

Uh?

Isn’t like, some of this essential narrative information?

via kotaku:

After Shepard died in the beginning of Mass Effect 2, his blue-skinned friend Liara T’Soni fought a desperate battle to recover his body from the mysterious Shadow Broker. Now it’s time to settle the score.

Detailed in the Mass Effect 2 comic book series from Dark Horse, Liara went through hell to recover Commander Shepard’s remains from the mysterious information broker known as the Shadow Broker, delivering them to Cerberus, where our hero was eventually reconstituted.

Good god damn. I hate it when important plot points are used as selling points for various cross-merchandising. I would have liked to thank Miss Sexy Blue Skin for her efforts when I met her in one of my nineteen playthroughs of Mass Effect 2 for, you know, capturing my body and bringing it to get revived. Only fuggin’ Bioware didn’t let me know of this, because I didn’t read a comic.

Whatever.

In this DLC, you’ll be teaming up with Liara to storm the Shadow Broker and lay some whup down on his ass. Good. This douche has been a serious pain in Shepard’s ass since he double-crossed Tali back in the original. Let’s do this.

Holy fucking shit! I’m still getting people joining in my spanking to Mass Effect 2′s Yeoman Chambers, and next week they may be announcing the final installment in the trilogy? Rly? Srsly? This game is only fucking six months old! I’m not complaining though! I’m feelin’ you, bros! How do we know all this? Why, one handy-dandy leaked FLOOR PLAN:

[via kotaku]

Fuggin’ jawesome, ya’ll. Mass Effect 3 being premiere while my buttlust for the sequel still seeps.

I love me some Mass Effect. And while I don’t think there’s anything in the cards for a Mass Effect MMO (as of yet, mind you), the idea of being able to romp around with fellow space-nerd-cadets in the Mass Effect universe makes me tingly and grin like a fucking asshole.

via kotaku:

A job listing reveals that Mass Effect developer BioWare Montreal is looking for a multiplayer programmer to “take existing single player user experiences and make them multiplayer safe.” Is Mass Effect going multiplayer?

…

“Multiplayer Programmers ensure the game engine and game systems work reliably and efficiently in a multiplayer environment. They work with both the front and back ends to take existing single player user experiences and make them multiplayer safe.”

…

It’s no confirmation, but then what else is BioWare working on that would require a multiplayer programmer? Right now they’ve got Dragon Age, Star Wars: The Old Republic, and Mass Effect, and the job posting singles out Mass Effect.

No confirmation, but it certainly suggests something in the works, no? Righteous. Most righteous.

Oh fuck yes! A game that is based off of some of my favorite Sci-Fi bullshit such as Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica is getting its own movie. Fucking party!

via slashfilm:

Legendary Pictures has picked up the rights to the BioWare game  series Mass Effect. I Am Legend and Thor screenwriter Mark Protosevich has been assigned to write.

THR  says that Avi and Ari Arad will produce with Thomas Tull and Jon Jashni from Legendary. The project is early in development; Warner Bros. would co-finance and distribute worldwide.

This is redonkulously awesome news for a nerd like me. Jesus Christ, lord, don’t let this suck. The potential for rock is great when adapting this son of a bitch. Unfortunately, the potential for suck is probably just as great, if not superior. A favorite game of mine based off of favorite movies of mine is getting its own film? The cycle is now complete.

The Mass Effect 2 DLC has been pretty mediocre. I haven’t even finished Kasumi’s Stolen Memory. But fuck me, yes I’m going to buy this:

via G4:

When sent to investigate a Cerberus research base that’s mysteriously gone silent, Shepard arrives to find Geth overrunning the base. The sole survivor, Chief Scientist Archer, paints a dire picture: an experiment to fuse a human volunteer with a virtual intelligence created a dangerous hybrid “VI overlord”. The rampaging VI has already attacked three other Cerberus bases, controlling any technology it finds in an attempt to break free–and unleashing Geth across the planet. Unless Shepard can infiltrate the VI’s fortress and shut it down, this homicidal intelligence will beam itself-off planet and wreak havoc on other systems.

Sounds good. Will probably be meh. I’ll spend the money anyways. I’m part of the problem.

For months I’ve been trying to get into Yeoman Chamber’s pants. Like, I really wanted to. I’ve spent all of my effort and suave nature trying to convince her to make the mistake of a lifetime.

And today I found out why. BioWare is a bunch of pussies, and don’t allow same-sex romances.

I stumbled across a ballin’ article today over at Kotaku in which the writer asked why same-sex bangings couldn’t happen to the Czar of Douchery or whatever over at BioWare. The response was something like “Blah blah blah, non-answer, blah blah, we’re pussies.”

First:
I can understand where they’re coming from. Sort of.

It makes complete sense that BioWare wants to market Mass Effect 2 to the greatest and most totally largest market imaginable. And having tons of dongs rubbing dongs and vaginas grinding vaginas would probably scare people away.

I mean, for me? It would have sold a second copy for me. Dongs rubbing dongs? I’m fucking in, man. But for all the homophobes, bible-fuckers, and toothless goobers out there that yesterday jerked off to their crucifix, it would have been an instant non-sale.

I think?

But here’s the thing:
There’s a difference between making a homosexual situation in the game mandatory, and allowing it to be there. Do you see what I mean? Can you smell what I’m cooking?

Even though I’d still think you are a d-bag if you didn’t pick up the game because it goes all Brokeback, I could understand if that content matter wasn’t your bag.

But, this game is so fucking open-ended.

All people are looking for is the ability to pursue a relationship with a member of the same sex. The romances in Mass Effect 2 are non-essential to the narrative. They’re auxiliary to everything that is going on with shooting aliens and saving universes and being a general bad ass.

So why not keep the option available? That way the yokels who would faint at the sight of Donnie Darko kissing The Joker wouldn’t have to go down that route, and those who want to snag some homo-lovin’ could do their thang.

Doesn’t that make sense? Am I the only sane man left? What if I want to get Garrus into my mainly arms?! Or more specifically, what if I want to grind vaginas with Yeoman Chambers?

I am left in the darkness! Crying into the wind!

All this time, I thought I had no game. Now I know that not only do I have no game, but there was never the possibility of success.

‘Cause the Thing Is:
As I’ve said, the structure of Mass Effect 2 immerses the player in the world. You’re free to make your own decisions, craft the plot as you may. So let me get this straight. I am the character, and I supposed to feel a certain connection with the character. I have designed their face, sculpted the universe through my decisions as the character.

One of the focal points of the game is to embed you as Shepard in the galaxy. You’re not Nathan Drake, who has a prominent role decided for him by the creators, with distinct character traits. You are you. And you can do everything you want to, save for deciding what gender you want to sleep with?

It’s lame. I understand the sort of controversy they’d be inviting into the mix if they had gone through with it. Mouth-breathers the world ’round would have shit their undies.

But still.

What about gays and lesbians who play the game? If I was a dude who was heavy on the dong-love as opposed to merely curiously bi-curious, it would bum me out if I couldn’t get with Jacob. And again, this is because the entire game is structured around you, the player, being immersed into the universe. If it was some regularly structured linear narrative, I would probably just bemoan the fact that such tales are so hetero-normative, and leave it at that.

But to prevent such a decision in a game that is like totally all about crafting your own experience?

Lame.

I’m a total loser, and the reason that DLC pricing is broken. You see, if it’s something I’m obsessed with, I’ll pay anything for it.

Via IGN / Pointed Out to me through my friend Chris.

BioWare has revealed the price of the Stolen Memory downloadable content pack for Mass Effect 2. Whether your a Cerberus Network member or not, fans will have to pony up 560 Microsoft points on Xbox LIVE, or 560 BioWare points ($7) for PC.

First revealed earlier this month during the Game Developers Conference, the Stolen Memory pack contains an all-new playable character, Kasumi Goto, a master thief. New missions will also be available. BioWare says you’ll be able to access the content at any point in the game and will take about an hour and a half to complete.

Seven bucks for an hour and a half of content is a bit much, but I don’t care. Seven bucks for an hour and a half of content and a new character seems a little better, but I still don’t care. Hit it, Kool-Aid Man!

[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]

Ah, someone suffering from the same plight as me. It seems that everyone who has played through Mass Effect 2 has arrived at the same conclusion: Yeoman Kelly is absolutely gorgeous, cute, not real but that’s okay, intelligent, and I need to bang her.

Well, everything that is worth attaining must be earned. And Yeoman Kelly’s moist goodness is just the same. Stick with it good friend, you’ll pull it off yet. Not that I have, I need to play through the title one more time. Chick hasn’t even made it out of my playthroughs alive yet.

And worst comes to worst, you can settle for sleeping with Jacob. I did.

More shit is barfing up about the first paid Mass Effect 2 DLC, Kasumi’s Memory.

First off, would you believe it, the female character is hot? I know, right? Totally a shocker. Apparently in the Mass Effect universe, everyone is gorgeous looking, or at least in great shape. It doesn’t matter if you’re a politician, an archealogist, or a soldier, you’re fucking hot. You got abs like what, and dumps like a truck.

Secondly, the shit teases our e-dongs with hints of Earth again.

Take it away Kotaku, you beautiful fuck!

This DLC is Mass Effect’s ode to James Bond. It is an undercover slip into a formal-attire-required party at the estate of the shady Donovan Hock, mixed with a bit of schmoozing, a safe that needs cracking and then gunfire. There is a vault in this 90-minute level. It contains statues of familiar characters and two of the most popular statues from Earth: Michelangelo’s David and the Statue of Liberty.

Oh shiznit! Some vault has the fucking Statue of Liberty? I assume they’ve been saving Earth’s fate for the final installment of their first trilogy, but I’m assuming that nothing good has become of it.

And I fucking love vaults with hidden treasure, don’t you? Uncle Scrooge in Duck Tales was always my hero, because the dude could swim in gold coins. Every good universe needs some vault with awesome artifacts to be plundered by Nicholas Cage. Seriously.

I go ape shit for anything Mass Effect, and for those of you who don’t dig the universe, I’m probably driving you crazy. So to entertain you, and make this post worthwhile, I’d like to offer you something awesome:

Apparently Bioware has announced their first batch of paid DLC for Mass Effect 2. Previously all their DLC was free for those of us who picked the game up at release through their nifty Cerberus pipeline. So now we have to pay? What the fuck! The balls! I’m actually okay with it, as long as it doesn’t blow. So far the DLC that’s dropped for ME2 has felt like either afterthoughts and bullshit  like the Normandy crash site; or shit that was intended to be in the game but cut to generate “DLC”, like Zaeed. I haven’t been really impressed. And while I am excited for the next batch of free DLC this month, I think I’m even more excited for Kasumi’s Memory.

Via Destructoid:

The content, which can be launched at any point during the narrative, can be divided into two themed swathes. The first half is exploration-based. The space Rogue Kasumi is seeking an item of value that is tucked deep in a bent rare-item collector’s vault. To get access, Shepard must travel to the collector’s house party, mingle, and discover where exactly that vault actually is. The second half is an escalating series of battles against mechs and soldiers after discovering the object.
Kasumi is, of course, a recruit for the suicide mission (or even after). And the best part is that she hits with fresh moves — the hippest being “Shadowcloak,” the space version of a “backstab.” But  more compelling than the addition of a thief and new moves is the fresh art. The rare item collector has a host of historical items in his house and vault, each lovingly crafted by BioWare’s artists. But The mansion, even the formal wear are all newly-created assets as well.

Fucking jawesome, bro! I’m a total and complete whore for Mass Effect 2. I spent the last two months playing through it non-stop. The only breaks I took from it were to look out the window of my basement dungeon and pine for a universe where I could get a drink in some intergalactic bar. I’m not a total nerd, but when I contemplate the fact that aliens aren’t real, I’ll never get to shout “JUMP” as someone flips an FTL switch, or go to the Citadel, I get mildly suicidal. Which is sort of par for the course.

Shit drops April 6.