#October2013

Cosplay: BAYONETTA got ALL THAT LATEX, ALL THAT SASS

Wai halo.

Jesus save me from my sins. Lords of Kobol purge these dark, strongly erotic thoughts. Bayonetta cosplay has once again reared its gorgeous head, and my loins seethe.

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Search Engine Terms: Bayonetta Doles Out Handies

[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]

In the future, when you can create your own temporal temporary bio-organic constructs out of your Matter Master 4000, you’ll be able to create your own Bayonetta construct. Built out of ultra-decay flesh that gives away after twelve hours, and no consciousness but a list of traits you string together in the Matter Master 4000 software, she’ll be able to jerk you off for that sweet half day. And after her inevitable combustion into a pile of pseudo-snot and black leather-gone-goop, you’ll be able to flush her down the toilet and forget about her.

But for now? You just need to google “Bayonetta Handjob” and live vicariously through scribblings. Sorry.

Friends Take Pictures of Bayonetta Cosplay For Friends

FAP

No, I didn’t get to go to PAXEAST this weekend. But my friend Jill, the uber female gamer, did. And being an amazing friend and all, she knows my proclivity for worshiping Bayonetta. The result of which was her taking this picture for me from the floors of PAX. Maybe it was for the best I didn’t go. As I imagine my girlfriend watching me being dragged off, screaming, clutching to the ground, foaming at the mouth, I’m like, yeah, that was probably for the best I didn’t see this in person.

Double kudos to Jill for thinking of me as I wept at home. Check out her Twitter, follow her blog, and if you ever find yourself in a game of Modern Warfare 2 with her, god help you. She’s going to own you.

I Can’t Fap to Video Game Characters. I Know, I’m Sorry.

Fap.

I know it may sound insane, given all my proclivities for the profane, but I can’t jack the wang to video game characters. For all my proclamations about how god damn sexy Bayonetta’s ass is, or how hot Yeoman Chambers makes me, I can’t take the final step. I can’t go from “Man, she’s hot as fuck” to “I’m unzipping my fly and mashing it.”

It’s weird.

In the world of masturbation, I’ve pretty much run the gauntlet on fetishes. I’ve exhausted every one. I’ve tried everything, and left it behind in pornographic ennui a million-zillion gigabytes later. So I am definitely born to stroke it to oddities. Oh lord, sorry Mom. But yeah, I really am. The thing is though, I’ve never actually wanted to masturbate to a picture of a video game character. There’s nothing wrong with it, but I haven’t.

Sorry those of you who wank to Na’Vi porn, I can’t join your club. And I sort of want to.

Properly Prepared

I bring this up, because half of our hits at this den of debauchery come from people looking to rub their buttons or titillate their phallus to naked video game characters. Ever since I made the obvious observation that Vanille sounds like a Japanese porn actresses, that post has been crushing it as far as traffic. I mean, you’ve seen the search engine results. “Vanille Nude”, “I Wanna Bury My Face In Bayonetta’s Ass”.

Real people, typing these things.

I actually think it’s sort of cool that people get so geeked up over fictional characters. Maybe it’s because even though I don’t ejaculate to polygons, I am demented. I just picture someone sitting at their keyboard, so fucking horny, and all they want to see is a picture of Lightning from Final Fantasy XIII with the hilt of the Buster Sword up her butt. Or maybe Chris Redfield from Resident Evil making out with Leon Kennedy. I can’t help but be amazed by that sort of shit.

Not appalled. Amazed.

Jail Bait

I’m not going to judge the people who are into it, whatever gets your rocks off. If I don’t want people to demean me because sometimes I like to queue up some bisexual lactating orgy, then I’m definitely not going to hate on them because their one desire before they go to bed is to orgasm to the notion of Batman batfucking Superman.

I just can’t imagine the jump though. I was talking Bags, the dude who does all the coding for the site. You can imagine since he’s allied with me he’s also a pervert and a degenerate. You’d be correct. And the two of us, even with our combined perversity, can’t imagine rocking our rocks out to Yuna.

There may have been one time when I was seventeen when I masturbated to a picture of Faye from Cowboy Bebop. I distinctly remember the possibility that it occurred. A decade later, I can’t recall if I had the intent to, or if I actually did. Whatever the case though, those days are gone, like leaves upon trees in winter.

Hats off to you who can, though. I admire your imagination, and ability to take your libido where even I can’t. You are in a rarefied state, and I don’t judge you, but only can praise.

How Would You Like To Flick Bayonetta’s Pink Knob?

Bayonetta Arcade Stick

[source]

OMFGEjaculate.

Search Engine Terms: Jerking It to Bayonetta

Fappin' to Glasses and Pleather

[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]

Dude, are you kidding me? The aisles are running full with the fluids spilled by fanboys and fangirls over Bayonetta.

Bayonetta Review: Climax On The Face Of God

The Moon!

Have you seen that advertisement for Uncharted 2 where the guy is like, hey my girlfriend keeps mistaking this game for an action movie! The best way to describe Bayonetta is that it is absolutely not that sort of game. It is a post-modern, hyper-violent, super-fuck. Any loved one who stumbls across you playing Bayonetta probably think you’re watching some hallucinogenic pornography. And that’s why   Bayonetta is one of the best games I’ve played in years.

It’s apologetically insane.

I began sweating Bayonetta when I heard the premise: It’s Devil May Cry starring a gorgeous woman with glasses and a British accent. And along the way it began to be the most-hyped nerdboner explosion in the fanboy community I’ve ever seen. Emphasis on nerdboner. Because the game ejaculates sexuality, and doesn’t give a fuck if you like it or not. Cutscenes in the game find amazing ways to feature Bayonetta sucking on lollipops, flashing her ass, or zooming in on her crotch. I’ve never seen a game where the camera’s most prominent position is stuck onto a character’s leather-covered ass.

And can we talk for a moment about how Bayonetta’s crotch has got to smell with all that flipping and shooting and killing while wearing a leather bodysuit? I don’t care, I’d still hit it.

The entire game is an exercise in hyper-conscious absurdism. Bayonetta is over the top, but more importantly, Bayonetta knows that its over the top. To the point where Bayonetta drops high-fives to other games by its creator, Hideki Kamiya, from Resident Evil to Devil May Cry to Viewtiful Joe. Classic phrases from those games like “Flock off, feather face!” and “Whadya buyin?” are strewn about so the game doesn’t just jerk off your genitals but also your nerd organs too. The game smashes down the fourth wall while rubbing itself.

Cereza

The storyline doesn’t matter, or at least I hope it doesn’t, because I don’t remember a lick of it. And I don’t think you’re supposed to, since the game seems quite conscious of why all the fanboys and fangirls with engorged junk-pieces are playing it: for the gameplay and absurd sexuality.

For example:

There’s a moment towards the end of the game when Bayonetta, some weird intrepid reporter named Luka, and I think what is Bayonetta’s past eight year-old self complete with librarian fuck-me glasses are riding in a helicopter towards some sort of epic confrontation. As Bayonetta vomits on and on about whatever sort of epic story is going on, Luka begins to stare at Bayonetta’s cleavage. Bayonetta’s recently rain soaked, and as she speaks, her huge, backbreaking tits are glistening. A perfectly formed droplet stops right where her nipple would be, and when Bayonetta says something like “Are you fucking listening, Luka?!”, the nipple-droplet falls off and both the player and Luka realize they didn’t give a shit about the storyline.

‘Cause it doesn’t matter, and the game knows it.

But let’s face it, all that absurdity and sexuality is fucking useless without tight gameplay. And after playing the demo back in the early winter, I was concerned this game was just going to be a Devil May Cry-clone with stunning cleavage. I kept the dark secret to myself, hoping I was fucking wrong. Thankfully, I was.

There’s no denying the game’s connection to Devil May Cry. But the game is Devil May Cry done to the zillionth degree. Fuck Devil May Cry 4, consider this the next-generation installment. Kamiya, who left Capcom to form Platinum Games carries over a lot of what made Devil May Cry awesome: the kinetic action, the ridiculous air-juggling, and retools it a bit. Snagging some shiz from his other franchise, Viewtiful Joe, Bayonetta gives you bullet-time. In Viewtiful Joe it was called Slow Viewtiful. But now you’re going to call it Witch Time. Apparently witches are in the Matrix, or at least hang out with Barry Allen.

CLIMAX

The first couple of chapters you just fuck around and learn the combat system. You’re taught how to climax, and let’s face it, every boy should be taught how to make a chick climax. At the end of every boss battle, you have to mash two buttons together, which apparently is how you make someone climax, by mashing buttons, and then Bayonetta strips and eats things with her hair. Yeah, I have no god damn idea. Again, welcome to Bayonetta.

As the game progresses, the scope of the battles get larger and crazier, and so does the difficulty. It starts off manageable, and gets more and more difficult until the final battle had me ready to wing a controller off the wall again like I was thirteen and playing my friend Joe in X-Men vs. Street Fighter. Who the fuck just crouches and fierce punches?! SON OF A BITCH.

Unlike Devil May Cry and Viewtiful Joe which were both severe pains in the fucking ass, this game rocks a continuous auto-save option. So when you die, you don’t get thrown back to the beginning of the level. Instead, you’re just tea-bagged by the game at the end of the entire Chapter. That’s when you’re awarded a statue, from Stone to Platinum. And let me tell you, all those deaths you rocked? They’re shitting on you in the form of a stone statue. As if to say, you passed, but you fucking suck.

Spank me

The true epicness of the game is nailed in the final battle. Turn away if you’re spoilerphobic. For it is in that fight, when you get to climax on the face of God and throw her into the sun. The game’s battles go from running along streets, to sword fights on missiles zooming through the air, to fighting the one responsible for all creation. Obviously, God is a massive stone chick with wings and enormous stone boobs. She’s insanely huge, can barely be contained on screen, and is complete with the thirty-five forms that final bosses have in every Japanese game ever.

After finishing her off, you of course, have to climax! all over her. And then? Then you throw her into the sun. Problem solved.

Bayonetta isn’t for everyone. It’s odd, it’s super-erotic, probably a bit heretical, and it isn’t the easiest game. It is a niche game, but for those within the niche, it is the greatest thing ever. You know, those who are fans of cleavage, self-aware action sequences, enormous boss battles, and chicks with glasses. If you’ve ever played Devil May Cry, or jerked off to latex porn, or done both at the same time, you’ve just found your new favorite game.

Like me.

Bayonetta Impressions: Bayonetta Jerks Off Capcom Hits

Oh baby

Hideki Kamiya is a straight pimp. Having worked on Resident Evil, Devil May Cry, Viewtiful Joe, and now Bayonetta, the dude owns a large portion of my gaming soul. One of the more ridiculous and awesome things about Bayonetta is the list of shout-outs that the game has been giving to Capcom greats.

One of the most classic moments in awful dialogue was Dante’s “Flock off, feather face” in the middle of Devil May Cry. Whether it was intentionally campy action movie dialogue- which I think it was, or just awful script, it has been one of the sweeter moments in gaming. I had mentioned yesterday that one of Bayonetta’s moves called for “Flock off!”, but today? Yeah, playing through today right before a boss fight, Bayonetta drops the actual dialogue.

Flock off, feather face!

I did a little geek lap around my room.

Rodin

Then, the character Rodin serves as a means to another awesome Capcom reference. Any douchebag who has played through Resident Evil 4 has uttered the line “Whadya buying?!” at least over Ventrillo like a nerd. Wait, that’s just me? There’s some shitty clerk in Resident Evil 4 who sells shit to Leon to help him in his mauling of zombies. And every time you hit up the dude, he’d be all “Whadya buyin? Whadya sellin’!” It became iconic across the game, to the point where friends who had just watched me play the game know about it.

Today, I went to Rodin, who serves as the same sort of vendor in Bayonetta as the aforementioned clerk did in Resident Evil 4, opens up a cinema with this for his dialogue:

Whadya buyin? I heard that in a game once.

This was me: !!!!!!!!!!!!

Bayonetta takes fanservice to unforeseen heights, perhaps only matched by the rimjob that Kojima gave fans for twenty hours in MGS4.

Well done.

Bayonetta Impressions: It Makes My Katana Glisten

Cheap Ass Shot x 1000

Perhaps the best way to describe the insanity that is Bayonetta is this: there was a moment this morning when I was frantically mashing on the X button on my 360 controller, while using my free hand to pound a two-liter of Diet Mountain Dew. On screen, an enormous demon dog type-thing was munching an enemy of mine. You see, it informed me to smash on the X button to make the battle CLIMAX. Following the encounter, Bayonetta moans, and upon receiving a Platinum Award at the end of the battle, you catch a cheap shot of her ass.

In other words, this game was created with me in mind. It’s utterly ludicrous. The action scenes are over-the-top slow-motion wank fests. The characters beyond wacky, and for some reason Bayonetta is always sucking on a lollipop, or finding a way to flash a glimpse at her leather covered crotch. It is hyper sexuality done to the zillionth degree, baked in a stew of genital-engorging character designs and frenetic action. Did I mention it was awesome?

I’m only on Chapter 4, but I figured I should post these impressions. Since I have been jacking off this game for roughly seventeen months, and I figure people are like, “Hey Ian, you sicko. Are you too busy masturbating to give us any sort of impressions?” Well, here you go. As a brief aside, I was going to type “Rubbing your man-clit”, but that just sounds so awful. Even for me.

Yeah, I’m completely fucked up on caffeine, and using Flash-like powers to try and jump into the future at the moment. What it looks like? Me running really fast into my wall, while my Nana screams at the loud and confusing noises. The cats look on at me with embarassment, wishing they could communicate in Human Talk to tell me what a dumb ass I am.

Fans of Kamiya, there’s some pretty rad fanservice for you. If you’re geeks for Devil May Cry and Viewtiful Joe, you’ll appreciate this. Bayonetta not only utters the words “Flock off”, in reference to the best line in gaming since “Jill, here’s a lockpick. It might be handy if you, the master of unlocking, take it with you”, from Resident Evil. Also a Kamiya game. And if Viewtiful Joe is your thing, Bayonetta, while hurtling through the air on some piece of decimated street, drops “Dancing a-go-go.”

Awesome. Well, there you have it. If I don’t die from a burst heart-organ, or from fapping myself into a friction-burn-induced-immolation, I’ll write something up upon completing it.

Bayonetta And Me Sitting In A Tree, C-L-I-M-A-X-I-N-G

Properly Prepared

Bayonetta’s here. She’s really here. She’s in my room. She’s mine! Stay the fuck away, Kenobi! And oh, I’m ready. To uh, play the game. Yup.