Archive for the ‘Pr0n’ Category

Search Engine Terms: Bayonetta Doles Out Handies

Wednesday, July 14th, 2010
[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]

In the future, when you can create your own temporal temporary bio-organic constructs out of your Matter Master 4000, you’ll be able to create your own Bayonetta construct. Built out of ultra-decay flesh that gives away after twelve hours, and no consciousness but a list of traits you string together in the Matter Master 4000 software, she’ll be able to jerk you off for that sweet half day. And after her inevitable combustion into a pile of pseudo-snot and black leather-gone-goop, you’ll be able to flush her down the toilet and forget about her.

But for now? You just need to google “Bayonetta Handjob” and live vicariously through scribblings. Sorry.

Search Engine Terms: Fucking Superman Style

Friday, October 16th, 2009

searchenginesuperfuck

Helllllllllll, yeah! I haven’t updated Search Engine Terms in a while. There’s been a bunch of good searches, but I was proud of this newest one.

Fucking in Superman Position! It’s well documented that I pioneered the Superman Fuck. Now we have like minded individuals looking for a home, wanting nothing more than to advance their sexual techniques. Well my friends, you’ve come to the correct place for fucking in various superhero positions.

Welcome!

I also want to give a shout out to Superman Cum Shots. I really want to meet the people who are down with such things. They’ll either be really cool, or they’ll trap me in their dungeon and rape me ruthlessly. Either way, I uh, win!

Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Let’s Agree On One Thing: Meghan McCain Has Great Boobs

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

wowzers

This is Meghan McCain. Daughter of John McCain. Apparently she posted this on her Twitter, and it resulted in some controversy or something:

Via Egotastic:

The daughter of Republican Presidential nominee, John McCain, posted a photo of herself in a tank top while at home, and apparently it has caused some kind of controversy, since it seems some people just can’t handle magnificently big breasts. Meghan has gone so far as to consider closing her Twitter account, and has strangely apologized to those she has “offended.”

Meghan McCain seems to have the assets to bring people together. Man, woman, young or old, c’mon, you gotta give it up. Don’t be a hater.

NSFW Ponderings – Forget DP, the Semantics of TP

Friday, October 2nd, 2009

sapphirebooth

I’m sorry for those already offended. But I have a serious question. Or rather, a juvenile question that crossed my mind. Does triple penetration count, if you’re cheesing it with a sex toy instead of a finger or even tongue or weiner?

I mean, I find it impressive. Don’t get me wrong. But it’s sort of like how the Red Sox won the Wild Card with a Rangers’ loss. It counts, but it just isn’t the same. C’mon, you know you want to comment.

Ninja Gaiden 2 Sigma Commercial Features One Thing: Players Making Boobs Jiggle

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

dude

The dudes behind Ninja Gaiden 2 Sigma have been promoting one thing: The fact that you can shake female characters’ boobs with your Sixaxis controller. In addition to being horribly objectifying and focused on the lowest common denominator (all of us), Tecmo has now gone and cut a TV commercial that features only one thing: boobs jiggling. Young and old and fat and skinny men shaking their controller to get some boobs hopping. It’s eerie. It’s brilliant? Check out the video after the jump.

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A Hermaphrodite Video Game Character? I Love You, Nier Replicant

Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

nier2

No seriously, I love you Square Enix. Just when I think nothing can beat Ninja Gaiden 2′s feature that allows players to shake a character’s breasts with the controller, we have a game featuring a hermaphroditic demon:

Via Destructoid:

Nier…features a character known as Kaine, a hermaphrodite with identity issues and a demon that has taken over half his/her body.

I don’t think we should be looking for any sort of developed, nuanced character here. The pictures that have been provided show what can be easily categorized as a “female” – with what, a penis thrown in for effect? Oh well, I shouldn’t let my intellectual, culturally sensitive side kick in. I should just be stoked about the uber hotness that Nier Replicant apparently contains. There is absolutely no subset of horny gamer that Square does not want to cater to. They will cover it all eventually.

Friday – I See No Reason Why Porn Cannot Exist on the PS3

Friday, September 11th, 2009

jameson

My name is Ian Drinkwater, and I want streaming pornography on the Playstation 3. I want it sold from the Playstation store. I want to be able to click on a menu selection and choose from Goopy Load Wunders 9 or Teasing A Tasmanian She-devil. I want all of this, and I don’t see any good reason why I shouldn’t receive my wish. While there are countless valid arguments for the prohibition of porn from the PS3, I don’t think any of them are solid enough to keep my beautiful dream from coming to fruition.

I don’t have any sort of moralistic argument in support of porn. That debate is old-hat, and either you watch porn or you are miserable and kick kittens. I have done some research, and this is precisely how the two groups break down:

People who dabble in the pornographics

People so unhappy they go straight in the “Right Hand Turn Only Lane”, spend their time writing Left 4 Dead manifestos, try and tell me I have a chemical addiction or two, and still write checks at the supermarket.

I’m arguing against this argument I usually hear:

You want pornographic movies to be sold on a gaming console marketed to kids. And let’s be real, no matter what sort of restrictions you put the console, them kids will always find a way to get around it.

That’s the sort of shit my girlfriend came at me with when I initially broached the topic of PS3 porn with her. I described what I found to be Heaven to her:

Babe, you don’t understand! There’s this network, and you click on it, and they sell movies. Well, the dude from Vivid (do you know what Vivid is? Oh, okay, good), wants to put porn on the network. You could just click on a button and get porn! Isn’t that amazing?!?!!?!?!?

It freaked her out, because I was actually yelling “QUESTION MARK, EXCLAMATION POINT, QUESTION MARKRRRRRK.” I had lost it. Let me tell you, if you combine porn with caffeine, my head almost pops off.

But yeah Ian, you want on porn on something marketed for kids.

saint

Not really. Not at all. Listen, the PS3 is an expensive piece of impressive technology. This isn’t some Nintendo 64, or even a Wii. It’s got Blu-Ray, it has equipment that is significantly more complicated to set-up. Kids who are in little league are not going to be the majority demographic here. That’s not what Sony is marketing towards. Their core audience is people like me. In their twenties or so.

Wonderful girlfriend hopped onto the Internet. With the clickety-clack of the keyboards she asked Mr. Google if I was right. Mr. Google has become the great ender of debates for my generation. Everything can be proven with minimal keystrokes.

Do you think I’d bring this up if I was wrong? Of course not!

Via Gamer.blore:

Nielsen Media Research tried to prove the point by tracking usage data by age and gender for all three of the home consoles. Console activity in all National TV Panel homes was measured.

The PS3 generally seems to appeal to the older generation, with no young kids anywhere in the mix… Both males and females saw the largest usage amongst the 18 to 24-age range.

In an interview about the Playstation Network, where this porn would be bought, PSN director of operations says the PSN demographic is:

Via Kotaku:

Primarily male. The average age is 28 years old, in usually the middle- to higher-income range. They over-index against those with graduate degrees.

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Poison Ivy Harley Quinn Fucking!

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

POISONIVY FUKKING

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn Fucking. Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time for that search to yield our website. You’ve upped the ante, Boner-In-Hand-Nerd. Bravo.

Pepsibones and I talk about these website searches, and he was like:

It’s great that people find our site using these search terms…but it’d be nice if they actually came back.

So, if you want guys, I can start commissioning pictures of these search terms, so it’s not a total loss.

By that I mean Pepsibones, four Rockstar energy drinks, and MS Paint.

It’ll be glorious.

Vivid Entertainment Wants Boners On Your PS3

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

jillkelly

You know what I do late at night? I lay down, turn my PS3 on, and I watch some hi-definition porn off of a USB stick. Or, I stream internet porn through my PS3. In hi-definition. So obviously, hi-definition porn and PS3 were a match made in Heaven. Sploogey gooey Heaven. Right? FUCK YES, says Steven Hirsch the owner of porn empire Vivid Entertainment:

Via Destructoid:

Steven Hirsch, founder of the world’s biggest porn film distributor, Vivid Entertainment, has called on Sony to provide HD pornography on the PlayStation Network, declaring that the PS3 has “real potential” as a conduit through which wank material can pour into the homes of lonely young men. He’s got a point.

We hope that Sony will allow adult movies to be downloaded worldwide,” claims Hirsch. “It’s too early to say to what extent this could help our business, but it certainly has real potential.

As long as proper age verification is in place there is no reason why consumers should not be allowed to view adult movies on any device that they desire.”

It makes so much sense, it’s probably not going to happen. OF COURSE, it’s already on the Japanese PSN. But here in North America, home of the Puritans and Magical Book Worshippers, nudity is totally OMFG no.

C’mon Obamanites, drop down your Macbook and latte and join me in a YES WE CAN, for boners and boobs on our PS3s. Change we can believe in.

Dick Grayson Hottest, Poison Ivy Cumshots!

Saturday, September 5th, 2009

dickgrayson

Guess what, Dick Grayson is the hottest! I’m glad someone searched Dick Grayson Hottest and found us! Welcome my child, you have found a new home.

In fact, what could be hotter than DICK GRAYSON?! Dick Grayson and Poison Ivy Cumshots! That’s right, someone searched Poison Ivy Cumshots and they were shuttled to our humble inter-abode.

I’m glad that when I think “Ian, you’re so fucked up, why do you find Ivy’s slithering vines so erotic?”, someone else comes along and informs me they’re searching the internet for Poison Ivy getting ejaculate all over her.

And the only way to make this post right, would be by suggesting that the hottest, Dick Grayson, supply the splooge.

Yes, I commandeered a computer powered by Cows and Moonshine to make this post out in central New York. Merry fucking Labor Day!