Archive for the ‘Impressions’ Category

God of War III Impressions: Kratos Is Meant to Fucking Stab, Not Solve Puzzles

Saturday, March 20th, 2010

KRATOS

Here’s the thing about God of War III. As redundant as the generic gameplay can be sometimes, it always beats pushing around fucking blocks. I don’t know why they’re shoehorned into the game, but I fucking hate solving puzzles while I’m the god damn God of War. Most of the time my thought process is: I’m the fucking God of War, can’t I just punch through this door? Can’t I just fly up to the top of the ceiling? What the fuck is this bullshit?

Now don’t get me wrong, I like puzzles in games. Most of the time. But they feel so ill-fitting within the confines of our little Kratos experience. Not only do I find it implausible that Kratos wouldn’t just punch through someone’s skull as soon as push around and align crates, but they kill the pacing of the game.

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God of War III Impressions: Kratos Rapes The Eye-Sockets of Deities With His Fingers

Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

Dude Isn't Happy With You, Olympus

God damn, they weren’t kidding. The first thirty minutes of God of War III are fucking insane. I can’t describe the scope of what’s going on. You’re running around on motherfucking Gaia, throwing down with Poseidon. Blood and thunder! Whipping around climbing Gaia, fighting the Lord of the Seas. It’s not so much the graphics, though they’re pretty spectacular. It’s the amount of shit going down on the screen. Epic clash? Hells to the yeah, fools.

The climax of the opening sequence is fucking absurd, yo. Kratos rips Posey out of the guts of some water manifestation of his might, and really just lays down an ass-whupping fit for the God of War. Props to whoever came up with the idea to convey the ass-kicking from the perspective of Poseidon. There’s a point at the end where you’re viewing Kratos through the eyes of Poseidon gouging his eyes out. As Kratos’ thumbs close-in on the dude, you can’t help but feel it some extent. It’s such a visceral idea, that I have to tip my cap to the boys at Santa Monica.

It seems as though this shit is legit. I have a suspicion that this game like all the other God of War titles prior, as well as the Uncharted games, is going to rip its hugest load far before the end of the game. How do you open a game up with such pomp and circumstance, without having a let down by the finale? I’m not sure it is possible.

So far though? Kratos is fucking deities’ eye-sockets with his fingers, to their doom.

Final Fantasy XIII Impressions: PARADIGM SHIFTING IS FUN

Saturday, March 13th, 2010

LITTLE DUDE KID

One of the dopest things about Final Fantasy XIII for me so far is the battle system. It’s perfectly suited for my caffeine-soaked brain. It’s hyper-kinetic, and has you all over the place. I’m all WHOOSH WHOOSH PARADIGM SHIFT HEAL HEAL WHOOSH WHOOSH BACK TO KICKING ASS. Sometimes I lament the fact that I cannot control who is the party leader yet, and I also lament the fact that I cannot intervene and take control of the automated douchebags in my party. But other than that, it’s right up my alley. I like the fact that it has you hopping in and out or formations to suit the situation, and it feels like that concept compensates for the lack of autonomy you have over your other party members.

PARADIGM SHIFT.

Final Fantasy XIII Impressions: Holy Overwrought Story Introduction Batman

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

Lightning

I picked up Final Fantasy XIII last night at midnight, and I figure I’d fire off my initial impressions. There’s a lot to get into, but the most resounding thing so far is that the story is retarded. Now, I’m only in the first chapter, and I’d like to emphasize it could and probably will get better.

But so far, I don’t think I’ve ever been this apathetic towards the characters in the beginning of a Final Fantasy before.

Everything is overwrought and ridiculous. Everyone is crying and making epic proclamations and acting like emo kids. The problem is that I’m not invested in these characters yet, and so when they cry and the dramatic music swells, I just roll my eyes. I’m all for in medias res, but so far the narrative is fractured between three different strands, and all of them are vague and insubstantial. Terms are getting thrown around, everyone is chasing down a loved one, and I’m standing in the middle of the room yelling WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

I expect the storyline to get better, but I think I would be caring more if they didn’t throw me into some overblown confrontation while never bothering to get me invested in the characters, or the complicated mechanics of the game’s world. If I don’t know the characters, and I have to dive into a glossary every four seconds just to decipher the ridiculous names for everything, I’m going to be more confused than empathetic.

Bayonetta Impressions: Bayonetta Jerks Off Capcom Hits

Friday, January 8th, 2010

Oh baby

Hideki Kamiya is a straight pimp. Having worked on Resident Evil, Devil May Cry, Viewtiful Joe, and now Bayonetta, the dude owns a large portion of my gaming soul. One of the more ridiculous and awesome things about Bayonetta is the list of shout-outs that the game has been giving to Capcom greats.

One of the most classic moments in awful dialogue was Dante’s “Flock off, feather face” in the middle of Devil May Cry. Whether it was intentionally campy action movie dialogue- which I think it was, or just awful script, it has been one of the sweeter moments in gaming. I had mentioned yesterday that one of Bayonetta’s moves called for “Flock off!”, but today? Yeah, playing through today right before a boss fight, Bayonetta drops the actual dialogue.

Flock off, feather face!

I did a little geek lap around my room.

Rodin

Then, the character Rodin serves as a means to another awesome Capcom reference. Any douchebag who has played through Resident Evil 4 has uttered the line “Whadya buying?!” at least over Ventrillo like a nerd. Wait, that’s just me? There’s some shitty clerk in Resident Evil 4 who sells shit to Leon to help him in his mauling of zombies. And every time you hit up the dude, he’d be all “Whadya buyin? Whadya sellin’!” It became iconic across the game, to the point where friends who had just watched me play the game know about it.

Today, I went to Rodin, who serves as the same sort of vendor in Bayonetta as the aforementioned clerk did in Resident Evil 4, opens up a cinema with this for his dialogue:

Whadya buyin? I heard that in a game once.

This was me: !!!!!!!!!!!!

Bayonetta takes fanservice to unforeseen heights, perhaps only matched by the rimjob that Kojima gave fans for twenty hours in MGS4.

Well done.

Bayonetta Impressions: It Makes My Katana Glisten

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Cheap Ass Shot x 1000

Perhaps the best way to describe the insanity that is Bayonetta is this: there was a moment this morning when I was frantically mashing on the X button on my 360 controller, while using my free hand to pound a two-liter of Diet Mountain Dew. On screen, an enormous demon dog type-thing was munching an enemy of mine. You see, it informed me to smash on the X button to make the battle CLIMAX. Following the encounter, Bayonetta moans, and upon receiving a Platinum Award at the end of the battle, you catch a cheap shot of her ass.

In other words, this game was created with me in mind. It’s utterly ludicrous. The action scenes are over-the-top slow-motion wank fests. The characters beyond wacky, and for some reason Bayonetta is always sucking on a lollipop, or finding a way to flash a glimpse at her leather covered crotch. It is hyper sexuality done to the zillionth degree, baked in a stew of genital-engorging character designs and frenetic action. Did I mention it was awesome?

I’m only on Chapter 4, but I figured I should post these impressions. Since I have been jacking off this game for roughly seventeen months, and I figure people are like, “Hey Ian, you sicko. Are you too busy masturbating to give us any sort of impressions?” Well, here you go. As a brief aside, I was going to type “Rubbing your man-clit”, but that just sounds so awful. Even for me.

Yeah, I’m completely fucked up on caffeine, and using Flash-like powers to try and jump into the future at the moment. What it looks like? Me running really fast into my wall, while my Nana screams at the loud and confusing noises. The cats look on at me with embarassment, wishing they could communicate in Human Talk to tell me what a dumb ass I am.

Fans of Kamiya, there’s some pretty rad fanservice for you. If you’re geeks for Devil May Cry and Viewtiful Joe, you’ll appreciate this. Bayonetta not only utters the words “Flock off”, in reference to the best line in gaming since “Jill, here’s a lockpick. It might be handy if you, the master of unlocking, take it with you”, from Resident Evil. Also a Kamiya game. And if Viewtiful Joe is your thing, Bayonetta, while hurtling through the air on some piece of decimated street, drops “Dancing a-go-go.”

Awesome. Well, there you have it. If I don’t die from a burst heart-organ, or from fapping myself into a friction-burn-induced-immolation, I’ll write something up upon completing it.

Dante’s Inferno Preview: God of Ripoffs

Friday, December 11th, 2009

dante

I’ve completed the Dante’s Inferno demo, and I have to say, I’ve never been so utterly impressed by how much of a ripoff a game is of another title. But Dante’s Infero has just done that. Like, the fucking game should be called God of War: Italian Epic Poem Style or some shit. Everything, everything, everything is like God of War. Chests for health? Check. Typical air-juggle move? Check. Fatalities? Check. Annoying quick-time sequences? Double check. Like seriously, holy shit. I’m flummoxed as to how one studio can riff on another studio so fucking hardcore.

The craziest part? I liked it way, way more than the God of War III demo. So without further adieu, I’ll capture my experience of playing the Dante’s Inferno demo.

Okay, let’s see here. What the fuck is going on. Some lame cartoon cinematic. It’s an oliphant from Lord of the Rings. Awesome. Ah, this dude is like, stitching a cross into his chest? That’s pretty fucked up. Okay, cool. Alright, boring cinema. Jesus Christ, I just want to kill shit. Alright, combat. Hey, wow, is this game running on the God of War III engine? This is exactly the same shit. Ah, combat. Also exactly the same. Except it’s much easier. Oh shit, alright air-juggle. Good, if this game is God of War, I need my air-juggle. Killing shit, killing shit. What the fuck, I’m fighting the Grim Reaper? This is fucked up. I just ripped out his spine, and now I’m using it as a weapon? Fucking crazy.

Hey, they didn’t just ripoff God of War, they ripped off Gladiator. Here is Maximus…I mean Dante returning home. Oh hey his wife is dead, no shit. Wow, they show her dead and she has one titty hanging out? Flagrant nudity, even more than God of War. Nice. Impressive. Alright, more combat. Hey, his wife is laying on a tomb or some shit. Naked. Wow. And now they’re showing him copulating and shit in a new cartoon cinematic. Wow. And now I’m shooting laser crosses out of my hands.

Oh hey, a magic gauge. Like God of War.

Hey look, flying thingies, just like the harpies from God of War.

Boring platforming. Sliding down shit. Blah, blah blah.

Holy shit, Virgil! What’s up dude. How have you been? You look stupid.

Fighting, fighting, blah blah. Hey, now I’m riding some beast thing or something. Stomping around and shooting fire. It’s sort of like exactly completely when you ride the Cyclops in God of War. Smash smash smash.

Door opens. Demo ends.

Ratchet and Clank Impressions: WTF, Super Ratchet Galaxy?

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

Totally Like, a Lombax

I dug out my copy of Ratchet and Clank: A Crack in Time yesterday. It had been sitting lonely on my subwoofer, giving me the stink-eye since the end of October. With a crazy deluge of bonerfying titles, or probably more correctly my fiend-like addiction to MW2, I hadn’t gotten around to playing much of it. It wasn’t out of dislike, but for some reason I was gravitating more towards getting owned by 11 year-olds or playing through Mass Effect for the three-thousandth time.

This game is dope, if R&C is your thing. R&C is a sturdy little franchise. It doesn’t do anything too radical from installment to installment for the most part, but it consistently brings it. You have the typical high-quality gameplay, an amusing storyline that I always forget ten seconds after finishing it, and impressive graphics.

So, whatever. I cracked this bitch open. It’s good, it’s amusing. It gets the job done.

But what I really enjoy so far are the Super Ratchet Galaxy levels. There’s a bunch of levels that are optional as you float through space in your Viper/X-Wing/Whatever you want to call it. You board them, and they’re spherical featuring challenges throughout a Galaxy-esque layout.

I dug them. I didn’t see them coming. When I was scratching my mind-balls about the levels, I remembered that some R&C back in the day featured these sort of spherical levels. I’m far too lazy to look up which game, or recall the particulars from my sludgy, decaying synapses. So maybe it isn’t Galaxy, but rather an extension of Insomniac Games’ prior diddling with the concept.

Nonetheless, they’re an unexpected and enjoyable inclusion. They break up the typical R&C levels nicely, and they’re not mandatory. Side-sessions that allow for some more creative gameplay, if you will.

So far, so good, so what? Yeah, I don’t know. R&C doesn’t reinvent the franchise, and apparently it finishes up the storyline. It’s a great way to wash the taste of getting teabagged by little kids in MW2 out of my mouth, and the Galaxy levels seem to offer something to platformer whores like me who want some optional challenges.

Modern Warfare 2 Impressions: It’s Like Jack Bauer, But With the Word “Shit”

Wednesday, November 11th, 2009

m3

I beat Modern Warfare 2 this morning. Sort of. With a FPS like MW2, is saying I finished the single-player campaign the same thing as saying you’re done with a meal when you finish your appetizer? I mean, I assume that any serious player is just getting going when they finish off the story mode.

It’s a pretty dope game, but I think it peaks a bit early. I felt the same way about Uncharted 2. I like my final episode, chapter, whatever, to be stacked with awesomeness. And if you rocket your hardest load two hours prior to it, even if what you’re experiencing is awesome, you’ve already jumped the shark.

For me, nothing topped the nuclear blast and the fallout in Washington. Everything after that was simple “sweet” as opposed to “holy fucking shit.”

It’s the same reason I’ve began to tune out of 24 every season right around thirteen episodes in the past few years. Take aside the fact that every season is practically the same – you know, just like Modern Warfare, it’s a couple of rogue dudes going against the government to truly save the world. But also, right around the thirteenth episode of a season of 24, Jack has already:

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Modern Warfare 2 Impressions: I Shot Innocent People In An Airport

Tuesday, November 10th, 2009

terror

Well, I got to the point in Modern Warfare 2 when you take the reins of a double-agent and shoot up a ton of innocent people in an airport. Coming directly off of it, and penning this shit as some sort of impression as opposed to an intellectual exercise, I’m not really sure how I feel about the scene. Did it achieve the desired effect of making me feel disturbed? Well, sure. I walked around an airport gunning down civilians, while deploring the dude that commanded me to.

My first reaction was a general sigh at the fatigue that has come from Jack Bauer-inspired utilitarianism. You’re thrust into the role of a soldier who is asked to go into deep-cover as a member of Russian Terrorist Guy’s group. And of course, the general prevention of a zillion casualties is of course rationalization for the fact that you help them gun down like three-hundred civilians. Slay the few, to save the millions! It’s an old hat, isn’t it? Jack Bauer and Jeremy Bentham and John Locke and LOST and a million other places have jacked off this theme for a million years.

I’m not really sure where I fall on this topic, but I know it’s been done to death.

But! But! But!

Maybe this scene is designed to show what truly killing the few to save the masses looks like! Perhaps the entire moment is to humanize the idea of sacrificing the few, and what that truly means. Instead of some mathematical equation, it shows the price of championing this utilitarian method of morality. It’s not just numbers, it’s human lives spread across an airport floor.

I think there may be the incorrect assumption that because Infinity Ward portrays this scene in their game, that they’re espousing this utilitarian belief themselves. The idea being that well, they have characters stating that you must lose some to save the greater sum, so clearly they believe this as well. But instead it seems that maybe they want to explode this notion through the use of this scene, and others throughout the game.

Again, I’ve barely played the game, I have no idea where I am within it. And I’m not even sure how I feel about all this, I’m writing it off the cuff and as it comes to mind. But I feel like there can be a mistake in assuming that the characters in a medium, any medium, generally mimic the beliefs of their creators. Just because we assume the “hero” echoes the beliefs of those who write them, doesn’t mean that’s correct.

And furthermore, perhaps because no one had played the scene prior to being outraged about it, no one has spoken about the fate of the compliant US soldier that takes place in the massacre. They’re murdered at the end of the chapter. This may be very well the punishment afforded to the one who complies with such a demand. Their is definite punishment to the character you control, they bleed out as the villains escape. Perhaps, in other words, if you adopt this utilitarian idea, then the bad guys always win?

I’m not really sure how I feel about the scene, nor am I sure what Infinity Ward was trying to say, or ends up saying. But the scene itself is intriguing, and worthy of discussion. If they wanted to get us talking, they’ve certainly succeeded.