#Featured Articles

Weekend Open Bar: Go Ahead and Smile

weekend open bar go ahead and smile

It’s the weekend, friends. The fucking weekend, friends! Man, I don’t know how a shortened week felt so fucking long, but here I am. Basking in the freedom of two days of adolescent debauchery with a grown-up bank account. And if you’re reading this, you’re here too! By chance or by intention, you’re fucking here too! At the Weekend Open Bar! So now that I got you, so now that you’re here, let’s hang out!

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Desktop Thursdays: Strange things are afoot

desktop thursdays strange things are afoot

I just, just saw Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure for the first time last week. Man, it’s a tremendous movie, and after finally basking in it, I feel as though I’ve discovered a long lost part of myself. Where am I going with this? Well, this right here is Desktop Thursdays. The theoretically weekly column where I share a look into my varied lives, and then ask you to do the same in the comments section. And if I’m sharing a look into my existences, I would be remiss if I did not open with a B&T gif. It’s my soul this past week.

And remember, folks. Be excellent to each other.

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SNES Saturdays #10 – Bateman’s ‘Last Jedi’ Broom Boy Hot Take

The latest Twitch stream is up on YouTube. And oh boy, it’s a doozy. Bateman spends too much time ruminating on the, uh, uncomfortable fate of the slave kids in the Last Jedi.

We also really focus on the Cronenberg-esque body horror of Yoshi’s Island, which finds the reptile-alien-thing metamorphosing in truly horrid manners.

Finally, if that ain’t enough, we deep dive into the various characters we’ve met in a sauna at our gym. Uh, yup!

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Monday Morning Commute: Presidents’ Day

Presidents' Day

Don’t try tell me about patriotism, hombre.

Y’think you’re a patriot? Y’think you love America? Y’think you’ve bled red, white, and blue for the nation?

Well, who am I t’say y’haven’t?  Nobody. So I won’t.

But let me just give you a hypothetical. What if there was a guy who somehow figured out how to travel to different realities? Y’know, like, different dimensions. And what if every time he went to a different reality, it wreaked havoc on his body? And what if we ain’t talkin’ `bout no minor headache – we’re talkin’ about bleedin’ from the eyes and bones feelin’ like they’re breakin’ and lungs wheezin’ out but not fillin’ up and vomitin’ out the ass and a really bad genital rash?

Y’know, like how it is after takin’ some really quality club drugs.

Anyways, back to my point. So, what if – just what if – despite all of negative repercussions, this guy keeps on travelin’ to different realities? And what if this transdimensional sojournin’ wasn’t for recreational purposes, but for patriotic ones?  Y’know, like, a fact-findin’ mission. Go on enough to find out how different scenarios play out, and y’might be able to help your nation steer away from the Sirens and towards Valhalla.

“If this went that way and that went this way, well, then we’d be better off! What if `ole Jelly Bean Reagan didn’t run for a second term? What if Baby Hitler choked on a chicken bone? What if? What if?!”

So, despite killin’ himself slowly – and surely – this guy keeps hoppin’ into different realities, all for the sake of givin’ Uncle Sam the fullest report possible. Would y’call this guy a patriot?

Y’goddamn right.

Apologies if I come across as rambunctious, I just always get whupped up on Presidents’ Day.

But, as President RFK once said, “Get me a coffee, a copy of the Times, and an answer as to why the hell we don’t have a moonbase yet!”

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Welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE!

Now that you’ve survived some drivel-fiction, it’s time to share what we’ll all be doing this week. Y’know, to survive the grind of the day-to-day.

What albums, books, movies, video games, beers, roller coasters, pharmaceuticals, aerobics classes, or foodstuffs will you be using as protective padding these next few days?

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Weekend Open Bar: Long Live The King

weekend open bar long live the king

Welcome to the Open Bar, you fucks. The wank-off where we, the gilded turds of the Space-Ship Omega, share what we’re up to during the weekend. I must level with you, seeing Black Panther is at the core of my entire existence the next couple of days. Seeing it tonight, Friday, with comrades. Seeing it Sunday night with my male progenitor. And in the middle? I imagine gushing and flushing all my savory glands discussing it. Here, on OL. Saturday night, on Twitch.

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Monday Morning Commute: Face-Smashed Freedom

Face-Smashed Freedom

Smash your face through the glass.

Don’t resist. Why resist? Because you think there’s another way out? Because you think that someone will come to save you? Because you think the robot sent to murder you would rather have a smoke break instead?

There isn’t. They won’t. It wouldn’t.

So with your arms tied behind your back and that glass window the only means of egress at your disposal, you’ve only got one viable option. You’ve got to smash your face through that fucking glass, projectile yourself through the jagged shards, and pray to Baal that you don’t fatal-nick any of your precious heart-tubes.

But if you pull it off, you’ll be staved. Not saved — `cause no who’s been targeted by one of those clunky metal fucks gets away forever – but staved. And don’t give me any shit about the “you” not being the direct object or that it’s “the inevitable” or “your demise” that’s been “staved off,” because I know what the fuck I’m going for here.

Anyways, I hear the gears and whirrings of a Kill-Bot coming. So, what’re you going to do? Accept your doom or fight for a few more minutes of possibility? What do I suggest?

Smash your face through the glass.

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Welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE!

Now that you’ve survived a worrisome bit of drivel-fiction, it’s time to share the fun stuff we’ll be doin’ this week! What’re you puttin’ into your brain so that it lights up? What’s the rock that you’ll be rollin’ to get through the workin’ days?

Let’s go!

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Weekend Open Bar: You Will Be Happy

weekend open bar you will be happy

It’s been a moment since I crept out from under the shadows and issued forth a Weekend Open Bar, huh? For that, I apologize. How the fuck are you doing, friends? Apologies for the tardiness, and all that happy horse shit. You know how it goes, or maybe you don’t know how it goes.

But, when the MalaiseVapors got your synapses in their claws, it’s hard to fight back.

But, I’m here now. The MalaiseVapors beat back, another row in the books. They’re gone, but not forgotten. They’re gone, but they’ll return. They always return, to dance the Dance Macabre.

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Oscar Season Post

oscar season post

I don’t understand Oscar season.

As an anxiety-riddled, hyperventilating-mess, the glands in my brain-pipes often don’t work well enough for me to understand much. But I’m sure, even after a fresh dump, a jettisoned load, and my favorite strain of THC, I still wouldn’t understand Awards season.

I get watching a bunch of people sucking one another off. Covering each other in fluids and fantasy, moaning and churning against one another, hoping for the big finish to end up in their hands.

But, I still don’t understand Oscar season.

Or, maybe it’s that I understand Oscar season. And I hate it.

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Monday Morning Commute: claw. tooth. & nail.

claw. tooth. & nail.

Welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE!

What’s this weekly feature, you ask? Well, first I’m going to batter your brain with some drivel-fiction sci-fi nonsense. After that, I’m going to share some of the entertainment foodstuffs I’ll be devourin’ over the course of the week. Y’know, as a means of sustaining joy during the spirit-threatin’ workdays.

But wait! The best part is when everyone who isn’t me jumps into the comments section to share what they’ll be doing this week! So enough with the prelude, let’s go for it!

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Monday Morning Commute: The Long Winter

monday morning commute the long winter

Man, fuck the winter. I have always romanticized, and quite frankly enjoyed, the winter. But not this year, friends. Not this year at all. I can’t handle the barren HellScape this year. Whereas in past I rejoiced in scaling it with snowbeast in tow, this year it’s just a reminder of the fact that it isn’t May. But it’s not the physical hardships that have me ground down. I can do the cold and the snow.

It’s the emotional. More than usual, my brain-veins are struggling to pump. I can reason with the weather, but I can’t reason with the malaiseyonnaise struggling to course through the meat-electricity of my flesh-bag. So, I must confess I just haven’t been able the mental wherewithal to write this son of a bitch.

But, I’m here now! So, while whatever chemicals are sloshing around relatively favorably in my body, I shall let you know what I’m looking forward to this week. Or rather since it’s Wednesday, what I’m looking forward to, and what I’ve been enjoying.

This is Monday Morning Commute.

By way of Wednesday afternoon.

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