#Featured Articles

Monday Morning Commute: If It Bleeds We Can Kill It

monday morning commute if it bleeds

Sometimes, man. Sometimes, I just straight-up spend too much time thinking of a post title for a Monday Morning Commute, and then I spend too much time hunting the perfect image. “Perfect”, I know. I’m trash. Anyways, how are you fucking folks doing? You stellar Garbage Lords.

Me?

This guy?

Well, I’m currently pinched for time. Tomorrow I leave for the Great White North, meeting the rest of the family up there for a final service for my Nana. She sloughed the mortal coil last year, I think maybe I discussed it?, and now it’s time.

To throw Nana into the marsh behind the family home. Where her shamanistic tendencies can be unloosed, sent to interact with her fellow Reality Melters in the Gilded Plains of the OMNIVERSE.

Me?

This guy?

Well, I’m currently wasting time!

So here, without further adieu, is what I’m currently enjoying, currently looking forward to, currently sweating. Let me know what you’re up to this week!

Keep Reading »

Desktop Thursdays: Booty Game Too Strong

booty game too strong

Booty Game Too Strong?! Fucking impossible! Try me, bro. When I die, I hope my epitaph reads, potentially, as such: He Died As He Lived, Worshipping The Booty. Oh fuck, Oh me, Oh my. Where I am? I got, I got the vapors. The dog’s looking at me side-eyed, and I’m worried she perceives the eventual-embolism approaching. Finally. My body and mind soaked with Dew, my loins and shirt soaked with Booty Worship.

While I’m here, before my leaves fall, let me throw this out to you, fair Garbage Lords. This late-as-fuck but hey-at-least-I’m-posting-it edition of Desktop Thursdays.

Check out my rot-gut, trash existence! Then, I beseech you, before the long night comes, share your own world(s) in the comments section.

Keep Reading »

Weekend Open Bar: Here and There

weekend open bar here and there

It’s the Weekend! Open! Bar!

Still though!

I, I don’t got nothing to say. Been up since around 9 am, peak caffeine hit around six hours ago, and now I’m sort of downshifting my horrid, horrid, chemically-abysmal blood in preparation for a more relaxed evening. So, the invocations bring nothing to the finger tips. Especially since, if I’m being honest, I really want to be supine with a couple of funny books in my grubby paws.

Keep Reading »

Desktop Thursdays: Go Ahead And Kiss It

desktop thursdays go ahead and kiss it

Two weeks in a row! Desktop Thursdays! Go ahead, friends. Kiss it. It won’t bite back. May give you a little smooch in an honest attempt at reciprocity, though. What is “It”, you ask? Good question. The Universe? My stunning, cut, lean, mesmerizing bicep? A dumpster behind 7-Eleven? The choice is yours.

But!

Uh!

After you get done with your obligatory, state-mandated (the state of OmegaLevelia, obviously) smooch, hit the jump! Check out some peeks into my worlds(s) from the past week.

Then, after the smooch, after the checking-out-of-my-world(s hyphen-hyphen), display your own existence in the comments section.

Keep Reading »

Monday Morning Commute: One More Packet

One More Packet

I only needed one more packet.

My palm couldn’t stop my nosebleed any longer. The old lady behind the counter looked at the rivulets dripping into the crook of my elbow. She shook her head. I kept pleading.

“Please, lady, y’gotta help me out! I only need one more packet!”

“Sorry, Bucko, but the policy’s to stop servin’ after seven packets!”

“C’mon, you already gave me nine!”

“That’s right, I already broke policy for your ass!” She looked at the ceiling in that way mastered only by crusty diner waitresses with stories to tell. “Now, I’ll keep slingin’ coffees your way all night, and we won’t have to have any more frustrated words with — or cross looks at — one another.”

“But, but –”

“No butts, no asses, and the only titty will be a tough-titty for you!” She slid an entire carafe of coffee in front of me. “You wanna light your brain on fire? Try doin’ it with that! But I ain’t givin’ another goddamn packet of Nestle Cocaine.”

I only needed one more packet.

—-

This is the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE!

Posted above is some of my patented drivel fiction. I hope you enjoyed it, but don’t blame you if you didn’t. Posted below is a list of some of stuff I’ll be checking out this week. Y’know, things to [excite/expand/extinguish] my brain. After you check out my entertainment itinerary, hit up the comments section and share your own.

TALLY-HO!!!!

Keep Reading »

Weekend Open Bar: Electric Paradise

weekend open bar electric paradise

Clap your hands, say Weekend Open Bar!

Clap with me, rhythmically at first! Ignore, ignore your eyes rolling into the back of your head!

Clap your hands, say Weekend Open Bar!

Clap with me, now with a bit of horror, a pinch of fear! Ignore, ignore your mind being severed from your body!

For! My friends! To the Omniverse!

Keep Reading »

Desktop Thursdays: I’m Not Allowed! I’m Not Allowed!

i'm not allowed!

I…haven’t done a Desktop Thursdays since April? Sweet, Christ! Sweet, Christmas! Time melts, evaporates, races, fades, but most infuriatingly: continues. Whelp, here we are! Returned! By Christ, By Cthulhu, By Your Gods and Mine! So, let’s do this, comrades, enemies, bitter but sexually charged rivals! Let’s share our world(s!) Our real worlds! Our virtual! Anything, everything, yadda yadda, et cetera.

Keep Reading »

OMEGA-CAST #23: That Time Iron Maiden Said Let’s Have Three Guitarists

OMEGA-CAST #23: That Time Iron Maiden Said Let's Have Three Guitarists

The OMEGA-CAST is back, jackholes! With Rendar, to boot! Oh, so, delicious! Not really. It’s a bunch of me being really phlegmy, burping, and realizing the reason no one likes me anymore is because I come off as a sports talk radio host! Oh, I’m being negative.

Okay, okay. Um. You could always just skip to the part where Rendar, who has returned, and whose returned I said I would wait for, until we recorded a new podcast, argues with bitchy, loveless Eduardo about Baby Driver.

There’s, uh, other stuff. Han Solo movie talk, Bateman’s typical sociopathy, and overall just degenerate garbage lord fun. I hope you’ll join us!

Keep Reading »

Monday Morning Commute: A Trip Away From Oblivion

monday morning commute trip away oblivion

How are you folks, doing? Me? This human? This flesh-sack, organic-computer, consumption-bot? I’m doing fine.

It’s that weird period of the summer where I’m done teaching, but I still have to go into work.

Just enough of a busy schedule to spend an hour, hour-and-fifteen, or hour-and-a-half in my car, each way, for four days a week.

Just enough of a busy schedule to fight traffic to tutor a couple folks to sit idly waiting to see if anyone else is will need tutoring.

Invariably: they won’t.

Invariably: I’ll sit, eyes-crossed, soul-exhaling-a-continuous-malaise, browsing Tumblr, Facebook, whateverwhatever.

Invariably: then I leave, fighting traffic back to my domicile.

How are you folks, doing? Me? This human? This animated-rot, permanent-horndog, masturbation-factory? I’m doing fine.

This is Monday Morning Commute.

Keep Reading »

Weekend Open Bar: Future Club

weekend open bar future club

Man, it’s been a hot minute since I opened up the Bar, huh? Whelp, ain’t got no excuse outside of the usual ones. Lethargy, malaise, a preference for staring at butts and memes over creating. You know, the usual shit. But! Fuck! I’m here. But! Fuck! I’m excited to spend the Weekend (Open Bar) with you folks.

Keep Reading »