Archive for the ‘Caffeine Powered’ Category

When Lamps Attack; They’re Homicidal, Man!

Friday, August 27th, 2010

As you may or may not know, Pepsibones and I live under the same roof. The result is a lot of absurd conversations, and oodles of wasted time.

Today as I was trying to pump out Press Start!, the Bones was in my room. I walked out for a moment to throw away a Diet Mountain Dew bottle. As I returned, he was in the middle of tipping a lamp over on himself. I caught him, I was too quick for his old man bones.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I asked him.

“The lamp was attacking me. It was a lamp attack.” He informed me.

This is about par for the course in one of our conversations.

“What the fuck is a lamp attack?” I inquired.

“It’s when a lamp loses its mind and attacks you.”

He seemed deadly serious.

He then proceeded to insist on showing me what it looks like when a lamp attacks a person. As you can see, it is not pretty in the least. Watch out for the lamps, yo. They’re eying you.

Stone Age Dildo Found? Humanity = Has Been Awesome Forever.

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

[click to enlarge : now there's a pun]

Dildos are awesome. That’s a universal fact. You disagree? Well, fuck you! I have thousands upon thousands of years of humans who think dildos are the Bee’s Knees, the Cat’s Pajamas, and other cool stuff.

Boom:

via livescience:

The carved bone was unearthed at a Mesolithic site in Motala, Sweden, that is rich with ancient artifacts from between 4,000 to 6,000 B.C. The area’s unique features may have allowed bone artifacts, which usually get destroyed over the millennia, to survive.

“It’s an organic object, that’s why it’s special,” Gruber told LiveScience. “Normally when we excavate early Mesolithic sites we never get the organic material. But this site where we’re excavating now is along the shoreline. The preservation is very good here – it’s been lying in the bottom sediments and clay layers of the river, and it’s been well preserved there.”

The dildo-like object is about 4 inches (10.5 cm) long and 0.8 inches (2 cm) in diameter.

It’s not the first time that such a phallic object has been found from the ancient world. Another item strongly resembling a penis was unearthed in Germany in 2005. That one is even older – dating from 28,000 years ago – and made of stone.

As I tumble towards the certainty that I am going to amount to nothing, I’ve come to a new conclusion. I’m going to begin crafting dildos out of melted down Nintendo Entertainment System cartridges, and hiding them. So, god willing, in four to five-thousand years, someone can dig up my dildo. This is my new (hopefully) attainable goal.

Diet Mountain Dew Cubes = Heart Attack INC.

Sunday, July 11th, 2010

One of the two highlights of my descent into the Great American Yokel last week was finding these beauties at a local Walmart. For just $5, less than a twelve-pack here, I could buy a 24-can cube of Diet Mountain Dew destruction. Amazed at the sight, and drinking away my woes, I simply had to buy two.

I Hope My Kids Don’t Ask Me About Death

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

This weekend I was thinking about dying, and the ridiculousness of contemplating non-existence. Somehow I got to thinking about what will happen when I eventually have hellspawn and they come to me seeking answers.

“Daddy” they’ll say, as I’m shoveling dirt on to the corpse of one of my parents. I ain’t buying no coffin, that shit is a racket.

“Daddy” they’ll inquire again, “Where is Nana gone to?”

And I’ll just keep heaping the dirt onto the body, trying to ignore them.

“Daddy?”, “Daddy!”, Daddy?!” they’ll keep pestering me.

“What happen? Where Papa now?”

And I’ll have to look them deep in the eyes and tell them them the truth:

“I HAVE NO IDEA. Now stop bugging me and grab a fucking shovel! There’s flies!”

OMEGA SIESTA

Monday, July 5th, 2010

Pepsibones was living the high life last week in Las Vegas, and I myself am just returning for the pitfalls of Cowville, where Mrs. Caffeine Power originates from. Hereby declaring the last few days a loss, I apologize to the two people who read this site. Starting tomorrow, everything is back on track. Sporadic, ill-timed track, just like the good ole days.

I attempted to post this note while in Cowville, but I found myself without means. There was no computer, no wireless access, and my iPhone spent four days searching futilely for a 3G connection. Balls.

Welcome back to the suck.

You Get Old, Then Shit Confuses You.

Friday, June 4th, 2010

Confusion

My parents are getting to that age when technology has begun to defeat them. When considering the ever-expansive technological world we live in, it’s depressingly portentous of what may be the shape of things to come. The question I ask to myself is “Since I have been submerged in the world of technology since a little kid, will it be mandatory and given that I keep up?” or “Is technological defeat inevitable for everyone past a certain age [for the most part] and given how densely seated in technology we are, my generation will eventually be even more lost?”

I’m not sure.

What I do know is that I’ve heard the beeping of them trying to program their GPS for twenty minutes, a silent heartbeat of futility repeating from upstairs.

BBQs and Sunshine

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

Das Backyard

It’s gorgeous out here in Massachusetts. Sometimes, you just gotta drop back and say “What a wonderful day to be alive.” Nothing makes everything seem okay like weathering another dismal winter, and a Spring of flooding that made my room smell like my feet. Mrs. Caffeine Powered and I were grilling a couple of nights ago; okay, she grills and I just run around grabbing plates and setting tables, and I was so thrilled with existence at the moment I took these pictures. It’s amazing how happy sunshine can make the average human being.

And the Living's Easy

(more…)

High-Fiving In the Aisles of Oceanic Omega

Monday, May 24th, 2010

The Mirror

It’s been a busy five months of blogging LOST, and so tonight I’m treating myself to a Slurpee and a FAMILY SIZE bag of skittles. Yeah dude, I’m living it up! I remember when I, in a moment of caffeine madness, decided that I would post something about LOST everyday for a month leading up to the beginning of the final season. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, and then by day fifteen I was all “Fucking Hell, Drinkwater, what have you gotten yourself into?”

But it’s been a surreal, exhausting, and really, really rewarding trip. There was a pants-filling moment somewhere during the middle of “Remember That Time On LOST When?” that I realized that people were actually reading the bullshit I was churning out into a WordPress document. Like, people expected and actually enjoyed what I wrote every Wednesday. I’ve blathered to Pepsibones and myself for years, but the idea that people were actively engaging in what I wrote was pretty thrilling.

Nothing was more exciting than seeing people post in the comments, even if it was to disagree with me.

I can’t even begin to fathom the amount of hours, hundreds of pictures, and thousands upon thousands of words I’ve gone through chronicling LOST. And really, it’s sort of trippy that not only the journey of LOST is over, but so is this really enormous undertaking that I’ve been carrying for all of 2010. I’m almost sort of bummed that OL didn’t exist earlier, so we could have done this all together for a much longer time.

Every entry was made possible by absolutely, positively, ridiculous amounts of caffeine, the ability to ignore hundreds of pages of grad work I had to do, and the encouragement of an assload of friends, particularly Tommy Rock, who shared my insane passion for the show. Even our darkest moments of abject hate were spurned by what was really an unhealthy love for the potential and highest moments of the show.

In the end though, this is just a formal “Thank You” and “You’re Awesome” to everyone who has read, commented, and shared my LOST recaps with others. As insane as the pressure of having to deliver recaps every Wednesday was, the support and enthusiasm from people who have come across it has more than made up for it. So big ups, and high-fives to all of you who have accompanied me on Oceanic Omega for this redonkulous expedition.

It’s been radical thanks to all of you.

Sam Rockwell Imprenates My Non-Ovaries With Dance

Monday, May 17th, 2010

HERE COMES THE HAMMER

[I came across this awesomeness one night via the Facebook of a friend of OL.  Cheers, dude.]

I love Sam Rockwell. I love Sam Rockwell even more after watching what can only be titled the “Sam Rockwell jive” spread across three videos. I had no idea the mean rug he cut in Iron Man 2 was something of a specialty of his. I’ve posted my favorite below, but go here to check them all out.

Madness? This is Grad School!

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Paperz

It’s fucking 10:40 on a Thursday night. And I’m feeling relieved for the first time this week? Why? I’ll tell you why. Because I just finished outlining the second half of my first of two final papers this semester. What a sad fucking state I’m in, no?

Keyboardz

I actually don’t mind it. It’s just amazing, I’ll put my head down to outline something, and the next thing I know, there’s a wasteland of pens and soda cans and novels strewn about.

Scribblez

It’s this madness that is responsible for a lack of updates lately from me on the most Omega of Levels. Classes finish next week, the first paper (which I have gleefully half-written, completely outlined) is due a week from tomorrow. And then I have until the 20th to churn out the last paper.

It’s cool.

Right?

Sure!
More Shizzle