Press Start: No News For April Fools
It’s after this holiest of holy weekends that I like to give thanks to the lord baby Jesus for giving us the gift of video games, for introducing the concept of extra lives and, most importantly, dying for our sins so that we are all able to wallow in our own filth whilst we gaze into the screen for an entire weekend, shoveling poultry and confectionery down our unrelenting gullets.
Thank you, Jesus.
Yu Suzuki discussing Shenmue 3 ‘strategy’
After a quick Google search, I can know confidently tell you that Mark Cerny is a games programmer who has worked on titles as far back as Sonic 2 and Kid Chameleon, and more recently the likes of Uncharted and Killzone 3. The guy also happens to be the lead architect for the PS4. He’s been discussing strategy for Shenmue III with series creator, and all-round gaming god, Yu Suzuki.
I know I’ve posted about this sort of thing before, several times in fact, but for a Shenmue fan, news like this is enough. Collectively, we know that it probably won’t ever happen, but if we believe, then it just may. In the traditon of religion and this holy weekend, I’m going to ignore fact and go for belief: I’m taking this nugget all the way to the bank.
With the PS4’s inevitable focus on digitally distributed content, a project like Shenmue could flourish. Not only does it have a dedicated fanbase, just waiting to be told which console to buy in order to continue the legend of Ryo Hazuki, but the scale of the project lends itself to cutting back on packaging/distribution costs and an episodic structure. Just tell me what, or whom, I have to sacrifice in order to make this happen.
Zelda gets the Nic Cage add-on it always needed
Did you ever play through The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask and wonder just where the fuck Nic Cage was? The dude is certifiably the best crazy man in the business, surely he could have helped weird up the proceedings in a game about a fast-approaching creepy moon dead-set on smashing up Hyrule.
If, like me, you think most things could be improved with Mr. Cage’s presence, then you’ll get a thrill out of this. Majora’s Mask modded to include Nic’s face at just about every available opportunity: the stuff of nightmares/dreams, depending on your disposition.
Experienced IDGA member leaves after exotic dancer incident
It’s shameful to admit, but culturally, video games are stuck in the distant past. For all of the technological advances that the medium makes, it still has the unforgiving reputation of being a Boy’s Club, especially when it comes to promo events and the like, you know, the kind that overflow with “booth babes”.
Brenda Romero is not only one of the most experienced people in the video games industry, but, up until a few days ago, she was a member of the Independent Game Developers Association: a non-profit organisation that supports members of the game development community. Romero resigned after learning that erotic dancers were hired for an IGDA party following the Game Developers Choice Awards.
In an industry that’s been marred by claims of misogyny and adolescent behaviour lately, this probably wasn’t a smart move. The most fair and equal solution is to have boy/girl dancers, or failing that, three live sex shows: girl-on-girl, guy-on-guy and girl-on-guy. This way, everyone can get off in a suitable manner and no-one is a sexist. I fully expect the IDGA to hire me after that brainwave.
Killer is Dead continues its mental assault crime-wave
Hey! Check it out! It’s only a brand-new Killer Is Dead trailer. By this point I’m assuming I don’t need to espouse the brilliance of Suda 51 and Grasshopper Manufacture. Crowbar open those tired, jaded eyes and let the rain-slicked noirish cartoon visuals flow into your tubing, let the pomposity, ridiculousness and lack of fuck-giving fill your heart with joy as you realise that it’s not only Ken Levine who gets to do whatever the hell he pleases with his games.
Dishnored devs manage to get April Fools’ right
It’s pretty difficult siphoning news out of the April Fool’s sluice valve at this time of year, not to mention the many pitfalls that await you, like believing that most game developers are as funny as they think they are. You are not Tim Schafer. With that said, let’s revel in the mirth of this ‘Underground’ Dishonored play through with developer narration. It’s refreshing to see games developers taking the piss out of the ridiculous things that some spend their time programming and building. I’m almost certain that Crysis 3 boasted having plants that grew in real-time at one point. Strictly for my cynical nerd fam, this one.
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It would be so much easier if I could just bring myself to make up whatever stories I felt like for April Fools, but I once got into trouble for making a Facebook group that claimed Ron Howard was a really big supporter of lead (PB) and I got some pretty threatening e-mails. Lesson learned. Stay cool, Ron.