Boom! Look at this asshole right here. After dragging everyone out of retirement, I’m on my serious grind trying to puke out my own glory hole before the clock strikes. I am most definitely in a hotel room in Montreal, working on my girlfriend’s iPad and some bullshit snap-on keyboard. My long, penetrative phalanges cannot make sense of this absurd key spacing, and WordPress shits thoroughly on the iPad. Thick, unrelenting, heaping steamers of ill compatibility. What can you do? Let’s do this, friends.

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It’s with a tearful eye and a hyper-extended thumbs-up that I bid farewell to 2012.

The last twelve months have been some of the finest of my entire life. And I’m not exaggerating. Unlike those saccharine slobs who always clamor about the present hour being their finest and the preceding moments nothing more than the bliss-steps to their existence plateaus, I have no illusions about the fact that I’ve chalked up some miserable years. I’ve anguished through entire calendars, burnin’ `em up with fuel of the most incendiary sort.

Self-doubt! Resentment! Apathy! Vitriol! Cynicism! Sally forth towards the mire!

But 2012 was a whole different beast. Sure, there definitely some moments when my nostrils were assailed by the wispy vapors of the aforementioned propellants. But repugnance was ultimately cast aside, overpowered by the surfeit of wonder! It’s almost as though entertainment and art and love formed a giant sword-wieldin’, monster-destroyin’ mech, and I got to pilot the son-of-a-bitch!

If only!

Anyways, it looks as though every crew member of Spaceship OL is delivering their year-end highlights, so I’m going to join the party. But since I’ve garnered a reputation as being the erratic, currently-undiagnosed-but-we’re-working-on-it, hack-writin’ resident of the crew, I’m going to switch things up a bit. Each of my highlights will be paired with an Ultra-Dimensional Portal! By clicking on any UDP, a hole will be punched in space-time, and your consciousness will be projected astrally.

Got it? Okay, here’s one last look at 2012!

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(Gentlemen of this Omega-Level circle: Before we count down to the inevitable ball-dropping that lies ahead of all our lives, let us first be resolved to kick off the new year the right way: by not letting the new year kick us down where it really counts, because when after all is said and done, and this beloved touchstone of yours truly is beheld and registered, we will assuredly have the drop on fate if we each hold dear to what is most true about ourselves.)

Every man has been there before: toppled over in anguish, made nauseous from a strange throbbing tinged by an existential crisis over his safety in this chaotic world. Left prostrate, the man can’t make any sense of it, his groans the primordial questions to the universe: Why does this have to hurt? Why do I have to suffer so much for something so absurd? And as the pain gradually fades away and the man tries to move on, the questions remain unanswered, the memory lodged in the back of his mind to feel out another day. It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries for mankind—getting hit in the nuts.

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Step right up, folks! This is the end of 2012!

What an adventurous year it’s been. There’ve been thrills and chills, screams and dreams, and hoots to boot! In case you missed any of the excitement, the OL Squadron has been doing flybys of all of the year’s highlights. And if you haven’t taken the time to personally enjoy 2012, well, you’ve got one last crack at it. New Year’s Eve, the night of champagne sparkles and ethanol-gropings and cocktail shrimp catastrophes.

It’s the stuff of beauty.

Anyways, today is also Monday, and as such I present the Monday Morning Commute! During regularly-scheduled programming, this is the spot where I show you various ways I’ll be enjoying myself over the course of the week. However, with today being New Year’s, I’m going to run you through some of the bits of entertainment I’ll be chomping on in celebration of 2013’s arrival. If you’re really rowdy enough, hit up the comments section and show the OL faithful what you’ll be using for party lubricant.

C’mon, you pack of auld lang sinners!

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Hey you know that kid who writes about video games sometimes? Yeah, The Fucksbot? Something like that. Check out what that douche consumed this year.

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It’s no surprise that most of my favoured games this year are download-only: games free of the constraints of large publishing deals and the costs of physical media. I like those physical artifacts as much as the next self-respecting hoarder, but when it comes to gaming and the creativity that I’ve seen flourish within the digital marketplace, it seems all the more difficult to pine for the past. The future of gaming is increasingly digital, independent and passionate: a fact well-displayed by some of the better releases this year. As Bobby Kotick plots to overthrow Steam, kill Gabe Newell and eat his heart to gain his strength, let us celebrate the games of 2012.

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2012 was an interesting year for me personally. As many of you know, I spent a good portion of the year traveling, not only across the country, but across the world. At times OL was my lone tether to the bindings of our magnificently grotesque, yet powerfully addicting culture. That said, I had a profound experience outside of the bubble, much of which I have not taken the time to share, until now.
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Remember me? No? Okay. I really don’t have a good excuse for my extended absence other than I have the attention span of a gnat.

Anyway, I was at work the other day, doing my thang, when one of my coworkers commented on the fact that the world was going to end the following Friday. Laughing, I told him to shut the fuck up, because the world was supposed to end in December. He gave me a look, one of those ‘you are too stupid to live’ looks, and said, “It is December, R.C.”

When the serious fuck did that happen.

But then the apocalypse didn’t happen and now I have all these awesome end of the world-related one-liners that will go forever unused. Such a shame.

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Looks like I’m going to have to keep my raging conversations about latex-bound furry scat porn confined to letters with my pen-pet pals. Damn, I was really hoping soon I’d get to hear their breathless inner workings on a phone, but I totally can’t do that with the man listening! Son of a bitch.

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Part of me is all “of course she has to have a bare mid drift”, the other part of me is too titillated to care. Alison Brie as Captain America is the photoshop glory.

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