Before I went to see Prometheus last night, I spent the week watching every space mission movie I owned. So, after a while, I began wondering why these missions are populated with the stupidest people alive, because as soon as these idiots step off their craft, compound, whatever, common sense seems to fuck off to destinations unknown. And after this marathon culminated with Prometheus, I began compiling a list of rules, simple enough for these morons to follow, to ensure a safe mission and hopefully cut down on casualties.
Planning to take a trip to some uncharted planet? Print these out and keep them with you.
R.C.’S 12 SIMPLE RULES TO FOLLOW FOR A SUCCESSFUL INTERSTELLAR MISSION
1. When you reach your destination and all life sign readings report it is uninhabited, stay on the ship. Do not leave it under any circumstances. Your life sign reader is a dirty liar.
2. In the event you do leave the craft, make sure your helmet stays on at all times. I don’t care how breathable the air is or that your android says it smells like roses and tastes like lemon meringue. Keep that shit on. Firmly. Always.
3. While we’re on the subject. Android personnel: NO.
4. Avoid entering any caves or caverns on uncharted planets.
5. If you do find yourself in a cave on a strange world, do not touch anything. Not even the walls. Also, leave all organic matter right where you found it. Do not bring it back to your craft. Nothing good has ever come from the phrase “Let’s defrost and study this dead-for-centuries, still gooey alien life form.”
6. Do not split up. If members of the crew wish to return to the ship, go with them. If you wish to see said crew members again, don’t let them wander away.
7. If your probe picks up an unforeseen life sign, leave. Right away. Don’t go out to say hi. Chances are, they don’t want to say hi.
8. No, seriously. Keep your helmet on. The fuck is wrong with you?
9. If you encounter a seemingly innocuous life form whilst on planet, do not engage. At all. Ever. Do you enjoy living? Then do not try to talk to it or pet it. This is a wild creature; it does not want a hug. See also: ‘Steve Irwin’.
10. In the event of accidental contamination, alert someone immediately. Do not say nothing. Get to quarantine ASAP. Or set yourself on fire.
11. In the event of crew member infection, impregnation, or showing symptoms or signs of malaise or mental degeneration, kill them. Immediately.
12. Should you engage in intimate relations with a member of the crew who took off his or her helmet in an alien cave, use a condom. Double bag it. Trust me on this one.