Comics We’re Buying This Week: Event Books Ass Eating Contest

With a headline like that, I better buckle up. It’s that time of the year where the Funny Book Factories begin churning out stunning efforts in mediocrity, otherwise known as Events. Yes sir. Yes ma’am. This week the all ninety-three Avengers teams are going to be throwing down with all fourteen X-Men squads and the price will be paid by readers looking for something not refried and snot-covered. (I thought this was called Civil War?)

Eh! There’s dope books a’dropping this week too. Let’s focus on that. This is Comics We’re Buying This Week. The simplistically titled column where us worshippers of the paneled page can gather around and share the funny book loot we’re snagging this week.  Don’t know what’s coming out? Hit up ComicList.

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Fanboys vs. Zombies #1
Titles humming along on a simplistic premise can either live or die courtesy of this attribute. A comic book called Fanboys vs. Zombies  just about takes the cake on the simplicity tip. Zombies roll the fuck up on a comic book convention, and hopefully the eat the shit out of that obese dude who has stuffed himself into a Phoenix outfit. You pay for your crimes, bro. You pay. I’m not a betting man, being broke as fuck, but if I was I’d bet on this title. It’s being written by none other than Sam Humphries, a good lad whose work is spilling into the mainstream and the medium is the better for it.  Dude is going to be rocking Ultimate Comics Ultimate Time  when Hickman segues off of it, as well as his own joint Higher Earth. The tide will begin to roll in with this title though, and I plan on surfing the wave to Dead Fanboy Valhalla.

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Casanova: Avaritia #3
Cyeah, boi. Now this is the hotness from which my erection shall extend tomorrow. It’s been six months  since Fraction and  Bá’ dropped the second issue of this Casanova  volume, and my balls have withered with each passing week. The second issue was a Multiversal mind-fuck that riffed metatextually on so many different levels in so many different appreciably different ways that by the end of it I was certain that I wanted to marry Matt Fraction but I’d settle for knowing I was in some splinter dimension.

Six months. Way too long. Praise be, praise be.

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Supreme #63
What Fresh Hell is this? Another issue of Supreme written by Alan Moore after all these years? It’s his final issue, and if Casanova  took a while to drop I assume this motherfucker has been cryostasis for years. Am I curious enough to see what comics’ favorite warlock is up to in ultimate installment of his run on Rob Liefeld’s Superman? That’s a great question. One that I won’t be able to answer until I’m standing in front of the comic book rack tomorrow, but I can see it now. As I scan the titles for all the ones that I want  that have sold out, I’ll gaze upon this little title. The necromancy that powered its creation calling to me, ethereal tendrils extending themselves and invigorating my metaphysical corpus with Moore-power. I will be powerless.

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Flex Mentallo: Man of Muscle Mystery Deluxe HC
I haven’t read Flex Mentallo. Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk about it. I haven’t been this embarrassed by admission since that time I uttered the words “cock ring” and “I’d like to try” in front of my girlfriend. Okay, alright. Any frequenters here know that wouldn’t make me blush. But this! Jesus Christ. Grant Morrison: my space-lord and inspiration. Frank Quitely. Solid collaborator and co-pilot on All-Star Superman, New X-Men  and…this. The title I haven’t read. It is a sore spot. A war wound. I intend on fixing it. Forgive me friends.

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Avengers vs. X-Men #1
Something like six-hundreds words ago I expounded on the idea that a title can live or die by its simplicity. This title is so glaringly simple that I can’t help but whisper to myself that I hope it fails. Why don’t I want to see the Marvel superheroes beat the Christ out of one another? Well, for starters we already saw it three summers ago.  It was called Civil War, and the build up was far more impressive. I mean Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ, did you read  AvX #0? It was as forced as you can get. Oh it’s Wanda! Straight chillin! She’s back and shitty Frank Cho has her titties flopping everywhere. Fuck that noise, man. Now the two squads are going to throw down because the House of Empty Ideas wants to have a throwdown be their linchpin.

Maybe I’m too bitter and cynical and I should just enjoy it…but I can’t. I just can’t. The amount of talent being squandered on this shit is unfathomable. Hickman, Aaron, Bendis, Fraction. All on a glorified fanboy and fangirl bar debate. Am I losing it? Too scornful? Or am I just being fair in asking for an event with some actual gravitas that will have serious impact.

I hope the Phoenix rolls-up and eradicates fucking all  of them.

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Potential Candidates and Attractive Alternatives
The ninth issue of Miles Morales’ run as Ultimate Spider-Man  drops tomorrow, and my body is ready. That phrase probably doesn’t sound too good in the same train of thought as an adolescent teenager. Sweet Tooth #32  drops, and I feel like a total asshole but I haven’t been keeping up. I’ll trade it up.  Speaking of Lemire, Animal Man #8  is dropping,  and so is the eight issue of Swamp Thing. Finally, the Brubaker/Phillips horror nasty time continues with Fatale #4. Whew!

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What are you buying this week? Hit me.