[Is there a better way to celebrate the manger-birth of a superpowered messiah-baby than watching television? Hell no! Join Rendar Frankenstein as he navigates Spaceship OL through the Televised Days of Christmas!]
There’s no denyin’ that there’s some debate as to how Christmas should be celebrated. Religious-folk’ll tell you that the purpose of the holiday is to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ, and as such there should be plenty of Nativity scenes and trips to church and prayers uttered. On the other hand, secular-folk’ll tell you that the spirit of season is to make a concerted effort to spend time with friends and family, honoring our fellowships with feasts and drinking-bouts and gift-giving sessions.
And somewhere in the middle of this Venn diagram, there is agreement. Peace on Earth. Goodwill towards men. Santa Claus. Zealot or heathen, we can all get down with these Yuletide trademarks.
But what if this harmony is actually overwhelming our senses, robbing us of the ability to hear the strains of discord? Could this seemingly beautiful concord blind us to the truth? With everyone getting along, giving one another the benefit of the doubt, how would we ever know if the most wonderful time of the year had a sordid past?
Well, we’d have to be visited by the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future.
The final episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force‘s first season sees Carl being visited by a duck-lookin’ robot who claims to be from future. Despite the fact that it’s February, this supposed Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future wants to give Carl some insight into how his experience during Christmas 1968 has led to robotic wars and global crisis.
If Carl weren’t a doppelganger, but actually a laid-back burnout, he might believe the robot.
The Ghost is incredibly persistent, continuing to visit not only Carl but his Aqua Teen neighbors as well. Since Master Shake and his crew are paranormal investigators, they’re curious as to why Carl’s house is…well, bleeding, so they listen to the robot’s account of how Christmas came to be. And the story they hear is darker than any of that Rankin/Bass bullshit.
Santa Claus? Oh, he’s a prehistoric ape-man that fashions toys out of dinosaur bones. The elves? Nothing more than aliens that’ve been enslaved during interstellar battle. Christmas is, in essence, the result of primordial bloodlust and leads to robotic warfare.
Unfortunately, the Ghost drones on and on, causing Frylock and Meatwad to lose interest, Carl to get drunk, and Master Shake to stop caring altogether. Nothing gets resolved, and Carl’s still left with a house that bleeds. Things’re looking real bad – Christmas is a ruse, Meatwad’s disillusioned, and Carl’s sanguine house is worthless.
That is, of course, until Danzig shows up to make a real estate investment.
It’s a Christmas miracle! All thanks to anthropomorphic foodstuffs, the man behind Samhain, and the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future! Now fully-informed, we can all go forth and celebrate the true meaning of the holidays.
Ape-men, aliens, and futuristic battles.