For the love of all that is holy I’m fucking done with this season of Dexter. Or whatever has become of it, which seems to be a pastiche of HBO television tropes. We have the incestuous vibes from Game of Thrones, the insufferable psychoanalysis of the Sopranos, and the Six Feet Under (Hi David!) prolonged dream sequences. Meanwhile people are running around and Colin Hanks is trying really, really hard to make grim faces. Let’s rock out this shiz with some bullet point blitzes.
Deb Wants To Fuck Dexter. Wait, What?
The show has lost its goddamn mind. I’m sorry, but I am not picking up what the writers are putting down here with the whole Deb is sweating Dexter’s adopted-bro dong. Not at all. Not only am I not picking it up those pieces, I’m kicking them down the pavement and hoping they find their way into traffic. If the show is inevitably going to come down to Deb having to hunt down Dexter — and I would appreciate it if it did — I don’t think they need to ratchet up the emotional reservoir by having her dreaming of getting with him.
Oh LaGuerta, You Totally Shocked Me
Double props to myself for seeing LaGuerta twisting a neatly studded dildo-knife into the back of Matthews. Dildo-knife you say? You stab him, and then you thoroughly fuck him. Clever? No? No. So now she’s in line to torture us for the next couple of seasons. If somehow the Gods of Scripting could find it in their hearts to have someone kill her at some point, I’d be much obliged. Just end a season with Dexter babbling one of his Dark Passenger monologues over her corpse and all will be right with my world. Until then she’s going to be fit into a scene every episode where she gives Deb a hard time. Which is totally uncool because Mrs. Morgan (she wouldn’t even have to change her name!) is having a rough go of it lately.
Rockin’ Out On My Synth, Man!
What the hell was going on with the soundtrack in this episode! Mein gott! Talk about outstandingly over the top. The moment where Doomsday_Adam’s wifey was rolling up into Miami Metro not only reminded me of a segment from 24, but the whole score was so totally Sean Callery. Was it he? I know there’s an Internet out there that could confirm or deny such a thing but I’m lazy. Rocking out to some synth intrigue as things unfold!
Speaking of that scene, talk about a let down. This entire season has been the definition of the much vaunted Tip Tease. Has anything truly fantastic happened? Or just lots of building up to nothing.
Double-props to Dexter for explaining away his saving the day as luck. That dude equivocates like a motherfucker and everyone just gobbles it up. Yum, yum!
“Dexter, how is it you’re in the right spot every time?”
“I don’t know…*shrug*…just call it luck or something!”
And then everyone nods.
The most intriguing occurrence throughout the episode was the whole Louis Packaging The Decapitated Hand thing and sending it to Dexter. Does anyone want to take bets on whether or not Louis is more than aware that Morgan is the Bay Harbor Butcher? I’d love to see him as an ass hurt admirer of Morgan’s nighttime activities.
Whatever the case, he is looking like the foil for next season, which is okay by me.
Doomsday Killer and Dexter
Speaking of Dex, he excels in the Way of the Dumb Ass these days. For almost the entire season he has been playing with his scrotum in the wind. Not really giving a fuck. The tomfoolery continued this episode where he participated in a litany of stupid moves that would have gotten his ass nabbed long ago.
First off he issues a challenge to Doomsday. Via a cell phone. What if Doomsday kicks the bucket and then Miami Metro finds the cell phone? The writers have insisted on turning Morgan into a goddamn schmuck. Not content for having just one bumbling moment of dumb assery, Dexter tries to take on Doomsday in the middle of recovering from a fucking toxic shock.
This was needed though, because the writers needed an excuse to segue into the inevitable “Will Dexter escape from harm?!” moment. Not nearly as cool as moments from seasons’ past, the dude escapes almost immediately. Snore-core, blah blah blah!
Let Us Not Lament
In a perfect world the promises from the season finale’s teaser actually play out. DDK nixes Harrison from the land of the living, and the next two seasons find an emotionally destitude Dexter spiraling into madness. I just don’t see it happening though. What do you denizens of the wunder-verse think?
See you next week, where we wrap up the season and see where the show is heading for its final act.