Ladies and gentlemen and swine, I’m pleased to introduce Chris Goodwin. Chris and I first started writing criticism together when we spawned RobotBitesMan in early 1984. All self-loathing and cynicism aside, Chris is the reason movie reviews should still be read today.
Anyone with fingers and eyes can publish their movie reviews online, but finding someone with passion nowadays is seriously hard to find. Everyone is (or acts like they’re) so jaded and writes these miserable, pre-destined reviews. And believe me, Chris has every reason to be jaded. He’s seen every beloved horror franchise he grew up with “revamped” but despite the river of crap, he remains excited to see new flicks. That’s fucking rare nowadays.
So without further whatever, here’s Chris’ review of THOR. Oh crap. Did I forget to mention that Chris adorned himself in his personal Asgard armor for the film? Well I just did. Bow down, pussies.
Here’s a THOR review from the mouth of someone you should be reading a THOR review from: someone who loves movies and loves THOR.
I know what you’re thinking. “This guy has problems.” Well, if by problems you mean a strong desire to be awesome, then you’re correct. Not many people have the balls to fully embrace something they love to the extent that I do, and that’s a shame. Why wouldn’t you want to absorb might, strength, and power into your daily lives? The Norsemen had the right idea, so grow a pair and live life the Viking way! MARVEL studios has been doing just that, and THOR is all the proof you need.
Kicking off the best weekend ever, my buddy T-Bone and I took a trip to the Liberty Tree Mall to watch the newest MARVEL film about Norse gods and how awesome they are. Now, I usually get strange looks when stomping through the hallways of any establishment, but the looks I got this morning were ones for the record books. You’d think seeing a dude with a beard and a Viking helmet around the Salem area is normal. Not according to these people. Every face contorted with that “what the hell?!” reaction I seem to get often. At least the ticket guy knew what was up. All he said was “dude, NICE!” when I approached him in my Thor-iform. On to the movie.
I honestly didn’t know what to expect. From the trailers I’ve seen, this looked to be one wild ass good time. But half the time I think a movie will be awesome, it turns out to be total shit. Not this time.
Despite his lack of muscle mass and all around size, Chris Hemsworth nailed the part. Even though it would’ve made more sense to have me in the movie, his delivery with Thor’s dialogue was fantastic. In fact, I plan on using some of his one-liners when I hit up some sleazy bars in the future.
Loki was a mild upset. I understand they’re trying to lay the ground work for future films, but Loki seemed more like a wienie than an all out dick. He doesn’t start getting truly slimy till about half way through the film.
Casting Anthony Hopkins as Odin was the most brilliant idea Brana has ever had. There wasn’t/isn’t a single thing that man can do to upset me. Seriously. Who else could you picture as Odin? He IS the All Father.
My views on the Warriors Three shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. When I found out that Volstagg wasn’t going to be a tub of goo, I lost it. But once again I was wrong. Even though he was half the size he should’ve been, Volstagg was great. The dude playing Fandral couldn’t have done a better job. Though seeing an Asian as Hogun kind of bothered me. I have no qwams with Asians, mind you, it’s just seeing and Asian dude play a Norse god is rather weird. So was seeing a black dude as Heimdall (the guy who watches over Bifrost ((the rainbow bridge))). These guys are supposed to be NORSE GODS! Last time I checked there weren’t many black/asian guys in their pantheon.
Now for my favorite part: Natalie Portman. I can’t think of a single thing this girl has done that I didn’t like (newer Star Wars films don’t count or exist – don’t exist (ed.)- ). She is sweet, and sexy, and awesome, and is the perfect girl to play Jane Foster. It confused me why they made her a super-brain physicist instead of a paramedic. But she’s Natalie fucking Portman and can be what ever she wants to be.
My biggest gripes about the movie were actually very small. The Frost Giants weren’t really all that giant at all and looked like a cross between the Wishmaster and a Tolkien goblin. But they still died just like any other giant would. Some mild irritation developed when they briefly talked about whether or not Thor and the Asgardians were actually gods, though they handled it in the best way possible. You’ll see when you watch the film.
With a ton of killer one-liners and enough easter eggs to satisfy any comic book nerd, THOR was one “Hel” of a good time. Only the first Iron Man movie tops this in the running as “Best MARVEL Movie”, and that says something. Take my advice and watch this film like 1,000 times. I know I plan on doing just that, mainly for Asguard and Natalie Portman.