#April2011
Fast Five: Full-Throttle War With the Law
Summer is upon us and what better way to start blockbuster season than flipping a bus carrying convict Dominic Torrento? That’s exactly how Fast Five begins, right where 2009’s Fast and Furious ends – Dom (Vin Diesel) is convicted and being transported to prison. His sister Mia, now pregnant, and best pal Brian (Paul Walker) react to Dom’s sentence by doing what they do best – causing huge car crashes. This is pure popcorn entertainment at its very best and, besides one complaint, I loved every freakin’ frame of it. Its got really well-choreographed action, idiotic charm, and real stunt men doing real stunts. It’s the best bro-car movie since 2 Fast 2 Furious and the best of the franchise hands-down. It makes me want to do push-ups and pound a beer – at the same time!
After a news report states that NO ONE was hurt in the bus crash (seriously the thing flips like 11 times), we jump forward a few months to Rio, where Brian and Mia are hiding out. They get a gig from Dom’s ol’ buddy Vin (from the first Fast) stealing some DEA seized cars off a train. And BAM, Dom is there too. The job sours when it turns out that the Rio kingpin wants the cars and some DEA agents get shot. Is stealing DEA cars from a moving train ever easy?
3 Comments »
Press Start!: LOL At the PlayStation Network!
Press Start! Don’t Press Start! What the fuck do I care? It’s a goddamn glorious Friday evening here along the Eastern Seaboard of the Empire proper. Wind whispering sexy promises of summer, the night air making my balls hurt with the promise of Spring Fever and low-cut dresses on campus. Anyways, if you’re new to the rodeo: this is a weekly column where I slap together five things that I deemed noteworthy in gaming this week.
As an airheaded asshole, I encourage you to share your happenings, for they are certainly of more worth and value than my own. Grab a pop, unbuckle those tight pants, and let’s relax in the world of dual-analogs and dragons.
—
#1: James Cameron Says Gaming Will Drive 3D.
Well son of a bitch. I was comfortable being able to demonize the cinema for pushing 3D bullshit onto the unwashed masses. But here comes fucking Jimmy Cameron surfing on the bodies of dead Filipino Boy Prostitutes stuffed with cash, telling me it’s video games that are going to get this fucking technical abortion installed into houses.
(That was a serious fucking run-on sentence.)
Specifically, Jimmy was talking about video games being the driving force between glasses-free 3D, spouting off that the Nintendo 3DS and other “single-viewing devices that are engaging the person to play these video games will drive a lot of investment in autostereoscopic displays for that very reason.”
So now this shit is on us, guys. All of you giggling as you’re playing your 3DS know this! You’re fucking me in the ass! And it hurts so poorly. At least, if we’re going to suffer the 3Dpocalypse, it won’t be with some goggles strapped to our skulls.
Right?
Fuck.
—-
#2: Massachusetts Town Upholds Coin-Op Gaming Ban.
This one hits a bit close to home. I am a resident of the Boston area. Retarded (retahded?) accent and all. I take pride in the fact that we’re generally a godless, liberal bunch around here. A bunch of dongs rubbing up against one another, weed with nary a ticket, health care for the hobos. It’s good. It’s good.
However, somehow we’ve fucking failed. At least one town has. Meet fucking Marshfield. Motherfuckers in Marshfield have banned coin-op gaming in their town for a solid 29 years. Good lord. This week, a movement to repeal this banning of shit like Donkey Kong was struck down.
Struck down!
Where are the Crypto-Vaults hidden in this shit town? Furthermore, where is this town? I have not come across it in my travels. But it frightens me. With a vote of 655-554, the law was upheld. There will be no Pac-Man for the denizens of Marshfield.
Just failure. Failure.
—-
#3: Sega Drops Phantasy Star Online 2 Details.
In news that may only be exciting to me, Sega dropped some details for Phantasy Star Online 2 this week. Goddamn, did I ever love the original Phantasy Star Online. Nothing made my fat, unmotivated ass glow in my senior year of high school like booting up my Dreamcast, dragging a telephone wire all the way across my room for 56k glory, and rocking out with some PSO. A total
There’s a serious fucking lull in my online gaming right now. WoW has finally lost its glimmer, I know myself enough to know I won’t give a fuck about Rift, Diablo III and Star Wars: The Old Republic might as well be vaporware with their unpredictable release dates.
I need something!
Even if I never get my paws on this son of a bitch, it’s a nostalgia drop that brings me back to the glossy lensed days of the Dreamcast. Simple days. Full of loot drops, endless dungeon cycling, and eating enough Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers to stack on a solid thirty pounds.
Oh senior year, I miss you.
Face of a Franchise: Jennifer Parker
[face of a franchise presents two individuals that’ve fulfilled the same role. your task — choose the better of the two and defend your choice in the rancor pit that is the comments section]
Take a look at the image above. Good lookin’ babes, huh? Slightly over-the-hill, no doubt, but these ladies seemed to have aged more like wine than vinegar. And hell, who doesn’t like a nice cougar? America’s been lusting after slutty old broads for the last forty-four years.
True beauty transcends time. And so do these babes.
One of the most important plot elements of Back to the Future is that Marty is going to fuck his girlfriend Jennifer Parker during a weekend retreat. He’s really pumped about the prospect, especially since it’ll cheer him up after having been smoked in the battle of the bands audition. Unfortunately, his pussy of a father loans the family car to his shitbird boss, who of course smashes it up while drunk. As a result, Marty goes back in time to rewrite history so that he can bang Jennifer whenever he pleases.
Or something.
In any case, the role of Jennifer Parker was first rocked by Claudia Wells. The actress did a superb job of inducing boners, thereby helping viewers of Back to the Future further sympathize with the protagonist (and his carnal desires). Had a lesser-quality woman taken the role, society may have never experienced a collective erection and this modern-classic may have fallen by the wayside.
*HOWEVER*
Due to an illness in the family, Claudia Wells was unable to participate the second two chapters of the BTTF trilogy. As a result, Elisabeth Shue assumed the role of Jennifer. With Shue’s performance, the audience was able to glimpse into the year 2015 and see what Marty McFly’s future turmoil could look like. The second and third flicks featured Jennifer much more prominently, requiring more screen time from Shue than her predecessor.
Claudia Wells defined the role, but then bowed out and pretty much faded into obscurity. Elisabeth Shue spent way more time as the character, but was just going through the motions someone else choreographed.
So – who do you think is the better Jennifer Parker?
SPACESHIP OMEGA: Happy Friday, Pigmouths.
Greeting lead-footed fuckfaces! Hop aboard the motherfuckeringmothership and let’s party. Things have been quiet around the halls of Spaceship Omega, and for that I apologize. I have run headfirst into the teeth of the semester, and the Meat Grinder hath Ground. Things will be picking back up again shortly. Until then, how the fuck you been?
Cordially,
CP.
DEFEAT. 030 – Informal Gluttony
[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction. Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]
Principal Clancy took a big, nasty slurp of coffee. The paper cup struggled to maintain itself, pushing against the vice grip of a fat, sweaty paw. The brown juice sleazed passed yellow teeth and fought against a burp on the way down. Naturally, the cup folded inwards as the liquid found its way into the educator’s gullet. In the process, a splash of coffee broke through a fissure and launched itself onto Principal Clancy’s jowls.
He didn’t even notice.
Variant Covers: Posthuman Coffin Orgies.
If it ain’t Wednesday, I ain’t happy. This is Variant Covers, the weekly comic books column where I unfurl my pull-list and let you see what I’m eager to check out. I can’t snag every comic book worthy of purchase, being a poor bastard with little time. So with that in mind, hit the comments section with your own favorites for the given week.
Today is seeing the accumulation of posthuman nano-madness, incensed heralds of the apocalypse, horny murdering school kids and more. I’m ready to fucking rock.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Attached To ‘Terminator 5’, Praise Skynet!
If the Governator or whatever wasn’t enough to get your Schwarzenegger-tip glossy, then you should be excited by this news. Arnold is now attached to a ‘Terminator 5’ project that is being shopped around Hollywood. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Yes!
Game of Thrones: The Kingsroad
I thought I was into Game of Thrones but this Florida resident is so down with the Starks that he beat the shit out of his cousin over it. Drawing that kind of fan loyalty after only one episode bodes well for HBO, who just renewed it for a second season. Hells yeah.
After an hour long series of introductions and politics in last week’s pilot, “The Kingsroad” sets those pieces into tense motion. It’s not all love between the Starks and the Lannisters – the only honest, good blood is between Ned and King Robert. The scene in which they talk about their war with the Targaryens was a highlight of the episode for me. Because of his nearly oppressive sense of loyalty, Ned is still willing to travel to King’s Landing to take his position as the King’s Hand despite his son Bran remains in a coma after his fall. We all know that Jamie Lannister pushed Bran from the high window after witnessing his incestual relations with Cersei.
Elephant’s Trunk Nebula Isn’t Really Phallic. Bummer?
‘The Avengers’ Begins Shooting Tomorrow!, Plus Shane Black Is Co-Writing ‘Iron Man 3’?
There’s a potpourri of Marvel movie news today, jettisoning out of various gulches and gorges and uh, maybe gulches don’t jettison anything. But still.
