I Can’t Fap to Video Game Characters. I Know, I’m Sorry.

I know it may sound insane, given all my proclivities for the profane, but I can’t jack the wang to video game characters. For all my proclamations about how god damn sexy Bayonetta’s ass is, or how hot Yeoman Chambers makes me, I can’t take the final step. I can’t go from “Man, she’s hot as fuck” to “I’m unzipping my fly and mashing it.”

It’s weird.

In the world of masturbation, I’ve pretty much run the gauntlet on fetishes. I’ve exhausted every one. I’ve tried everything, and left it behind in pornographic ennui a million-zillion gigabytes later. So I am definitely born to stroke it to oddities. Oh lord, sorry Mom. But yeah, I really am. The thing is though, I’ve never actually wanted to masturbate to a picture of a video game character. There’s nothing wrong with it, but I haven’t.

Sorry those of you who wank to Na’Vi porn, I can’t join your club. And I sort of want to.

I bring this up, because half of our hits at this den of debauchery come from people looking to rub their buttons or titillate their phallus to naked video game characters. Ever since I made the obvious observation that Vanille sounds like a Japanese porn actresses, that post has been crushing it as far as traffic. I mean, you’ve seen the search engine results. “Vanille Nude”, “I Wanna Bury My Face In Bayonetta’s Ass”.

Real people, typing these things.

I actually think it’s sort of cool that people get so geeked up over fictional characters. Maybe it’s because even though I don’t ejaculate to polygons, I am demented. I just picture someone sitting at their keyboard, so fucking horny, and all they want to see is a picture of Lightning from Final Fantasy XIII with the hilt of the Buster Sword up her butt. Or maybe Chris Redfield from Resident Evil making out with Leon Kennedy. I can’t help but be amazed by that sort of shit.

Not appalled. Amazed.

I’m not going to judge the people who are into it, whatever gets your rocks off. If I don’t want people to demean me because sometimes I like to queue up some bisexual lactating orgy, then I’m definitely not going to hate on them because their one desire before they go to bed is to orgasm to the notion of Batman batfucking Superman.

I just can’t imagine the jump though. I was talking Bags, the dude who does all the coding for the site. You can imagine since he’s allied with me he’s also a pervert and a degenerate. You’d be correct. And the two of us, even with our combined perversity, can’t imagine rocking our rocks out to Yuna.

There may have been one time when I was seventeen when I masturbated to a picture of Faye from Cowboy Bebop. I distinctly remember the possibility that it occurred. A decade later, I can’t recall if I had the intent to, or if I actually did. Whatever the case though, those days are gone, like leaves upon trees in winter.

Hats off to you who can, though. I admire your imagination, and ability to take your libido where even I can’t. You are in a rarefied state, and I don’t judge you, but only can praise.