[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]
I know, you think that a dead guy would be better at hiding. Fuck!
Who, or what the fuck, is Christian Shephard? It’s something I’ve been asking since I saw him walking around the Island all very undead-like. I mean, I know a few things about dead people. For starters, they’re always wearing too much make-up at the wakes. And secondly, and most important to my point: they don’t move or walk around. There is one fable about some Zombie Guy who pulled off this feat, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t more than superstition. So that makes what Christian is doing very, very impressive.
Remember that time during White Rabbit when we saw Christian walking around for the first time? Very cool. I champion anything on LOST that pushes the show into the upper-echelons of oddity and absurdity. So when it happened, you can only imagine how enthused I was. This was prior to the show really losing its mind, so I was excited as all hell. Jack’s dead dad isn’t in his casket, and instead, Jack chases the Decaying Sweaty Papa Corpse through the forest, only to be encountered by the rumbling Oh-Shit sounds of the Smoke Monster coming to rock his ass.
Who or what the fuck is Christian? Dude seems to be the mouthpiece for someone. Is he really working for Jacob? I’m not sure I buy that. By helping Locke leave the Island and orchestrating the return of the Oceanic Six, it would further it seems to serve the agenda of Jacob’s Grizzly Bearded Enemy. And where does Christian dwell? In the shack where Jacob was thought to party, except, PSYCHE, Jacob chills in a giant foot. So what the fuck, Christian, who are you rolling with?
What are you up to, Christian?!
Also, there’s the whole, Facob taking the form of dead people – just look at our buddy Locke straight chillin’ in the casket at the end of Season Five. And furthermore, the Smoke Monster comes about as Jack chases his dad through the garden. Just like how Dead Guy Locke and the Smoke Monster are never very far apart. OMFG, pants-crapifying. Is Christian the Smoke Monster, who is also Facob? Raise your arms to the sky and repeat after me:
Who the hell knows!
Maybe he is a good guy, rolling with Jacob. Smokin’ cigars and weaving looms and shit. He does seem to have a nice suit at the beginning of the show. When you’re dead, you probably have all the time in the world to work on thread-counts or something.
Yeah, I have no idea what a thread count is, but I know whenever I go to Target to buy a comforter with my girlfriend, a high thread count is important as hell.
I know, you think that a dead guy would have better fashion sense, fuck!
I don’t know what the economy is for dead people, but Christian seems to hit hard times on the Island after he dies and shit. He goes from a pretty svelte suit to some shitty dress shirt, and he buttons the top button? What the fuck, Christian! Are you too busy teleporting around time and space to brush up on your fashion sense in GQ? Or do you have some really weird hickey? Tell me dude, I need to know!
Christian seems to be serving some higher-power, whether it is Zeus, or Jacob, or Facob, or whatever. In fact, his entire family seems pretty fucking important. Or maybe it is just a coincidence that his son, daughter, and grandson are all brought to the island. That would be awfully convenient. Or terrible. Actually, awful. Yeah, an entire family marooned onto an Island and caught up in some sort of Cosmic Chess Match between two bored as fuck deities.
The first time we see him though, we ain’t concerned with that. We’re like, hey, White Rabbit! And oh, there Jack goes following him into the woods. Oh LOST, you’re so very literary.