[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]
You guys probably don’t remember Artz, do you? That’s because you’re dicks. No, he’s not gorgeous, even though he has a sweet beard. In fact, he was sort of downright pathetic. In a lovable sort of way, of course. And if you do remember him, it’s probably because he blew himself up with a righteous stick of dynamite. A thundering boom of oblieration, sending chunks of his own dumb ass into the air, landing on everyone around him. Kaboom! A blast of appreciable proportions, that sent that son of a bitch Locke onto his ass.
Artz was just a lonely dude who wanted to come on a sweet adventure with the cool kids of the Island. He was a chemistry teacher at some shitty high school. I bet the kids drew pictures of him in his chemistry class, and they always made those funny odor lines around his armpits and had him saying things like:
You fucking kids, how many times do I have to tell you that salt is NaCl! You’re never going to get anywhere, I’m fat!
Deep down inside though, he seems like a lovable guy who just wanted to have some fun. Hated by his wife, he was probably absolutely stoked to be on the Island.
Whether you remember it or not, Artz served as a conduit for all the complaints from dickheads who can’t suspend disbelief. You know, the guys who were like, what about the other survivors! It is so improbable that they’d just let these eight people run around saving the world while the rest of them hung out with Bernard and like, played grab ass.
It’s great that the Brigade of Dorks and Philosophy Nerds that write LOST decided to address it through Artz. Using our boy Mr. Chemistry Teacher, they threw all the geeks who spend their days talking about implausbility in shows that feature Smoke Monsters a bone and shit. Here, we won’t ignore it, we’ll talk about it. Using a squishy dork to wear the mask of the complaint.
While Jack and That Chick With the Linebacker Shoulders and Locke rummaged around in the Black Rock for dynamite to blow up the Hatch, Artz and Hurley shot the shit. Realizing that they’re both fat, lovable losers, Artz felt a really deep connection with Hugo, though that’s because he didn’t realize Hurley was batshit insane and communicated with dead people. He probably thought that he was just a better placement in the crash away from being in Hugo’s place! You see, there’s only room for one fat unsexy person in a clique, and he thought it was just chance that Hugo got to snag it. But uh, that’s probably also what he thought because he didn’t realize Hugo was part of DESTINY or something. It was during this opining that he launched into his classic dialogue on the whole “situation“.
Hugo was all ignoring him, and probably thinking about pizza-covered spaghetti, when Artz says:
Am I boring you? You know what, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not cool enough to be part of your merry little band of adventurers. I know a clique when I see one, I teach high school, pally. You know you people think you’re the only ones on this island doing anything of value. I got news for you, there are 40 other survivors of this plane crash, and we are all people too.
Pretty great. And then he mentions how Kate gets all the sweetest wreckage to build her shelter, and how Jin only catches food for the cool kids, and then he calls Hurley out for being a fat ass and having lost no weight on the Island. Mind you, addressing another complaint of nerdbombers who hyper fixate on pointless details on a show filled with fantasy.
And then? Then they blow him the fuck up! Artz seized his moment in the spotlight, screaming about dynamite breathing, and stuff that I don’t remember, because he was a chemistry teacher. Finally the fat dork’s time to shine. And while he is bragging, ka-pow. Later Artz, it has been real. They blow up the manifestation of all the grief given towards the implausibility of the show. See you later fat griping nerd! It’s pretty stellar, and when it happened I jumped because I’m a little nancy.
What follows is fantastic, though sort of odd. Not one of the Cool Kids gives a flying fuck! It’s the only time in the show when a death is addressed without any sort of seriousness. The dude is reduced to gut-cinders, and the rest of the gang just giggle! Yeah, it is sort of fucked up, but it fits with the guy’s whole premise. A big bloated conglomeration of complaints that the writers don’t care about, that are then addressed, and blown up, as the characters laugh at the character.
Just like, I’m sure the writers laugh at the complaints.
Cool kids, what a pack of dicks.