Would it shock you to the point that you shit your pants to know that Bruce Wayne isn’t going to stay dead forever? It would? Then steal some huggies from your Nana, and get ready to read the rest of this post. YEP, Bruce Wayne is evidently coming back. It was posted over at Bleeding Cool today:

The Search For Bruce Wayne. The Return of Batman. Two series by Grant Morrison kicking off from Summer 2010.

The article also goes on to go on to state that Bleeding Cool doesn’t have the details, and the titles of the comics may have changed:

DC will be bringing their world’s greatest detective in rubber back in a series of series, the details of which are completely unknown (to me, I mean) save for their working titles (which may be old) and that it’s all part of the Big Grant Morrison Batplan for 2010.

So maybe this is all hogshit. I have feeling it isn’t though.

This is a surprise to only that fat kid at the comicon wearing the Highlander t-shirt. He’s going to be absolutely devastated. What I find surprising is that news is leaking of his return so quickly. I figured they’d have to resurrect Wayne’s ass prior to The Dark Knight Returns to Strike Back or whatever the third movie will be called. It would confuse the fuck out of the three people who actually are inspired by the movie to start reading comic books if Wayne was alive in the movies and then some Dick was wearing the cowl in the comics. But this news is what, like three months after the beginning of Dick Grayson’s reign?

As per usual, I’m just going to try and enjoy the ride. The first Batman and Robin arc was tersely written Grant Morrison brilliance. Odd, retro-future artwork, and a storyline featuring a guy named Pyg who dances to, in his words, “sexy hot disco.” All of that is overlaid on top of a storyline I read as a commentary on conformity, viral personality, trend infectiousness, and impossible TV bodies. You probably just saw rockets and toads that talked. That’s cool too. So enjoy your Dick as long as you can, because Mr. Wayne is returning. Sooner than you fucking thought.

MORE SEARCH ENGINE TERMS!

Today shows “Masturbation Cumshots” bringing people into our demented den. However, I’m more impressed   by “Lamictal Cured Me.”

I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME! Just kidding. It really does help. If I wasn’t on it, I wouldn’t be typing this. I’d be sleeping for the fifteenth hour, covered in crumbs, blood and depression. After Batman beat my invalid ass.

Square demonstrates in a bunch of new Final Fantasy XIII pictures that they know their fanbase very well. How so? They’ve given us something out of our dirty little dreams. It’s a commonly known fact that nerds go absolutely fucking bananas for chicks with glasses. I think it’s a psychological phenomenon. We also like women who demonstrate power, since you know, we’re typically weak, fat, and eating spaghettios in our underwear. So what does Square do? They give us Jihl Nabaat. She’s a hot babe with glasses who apparently is a hard ass and wears latex. A DOMINATRIX IN LEATHER WITH GLASSES?

Holy shit. Well done, Square. Now let’s turn this game into something other than vaporware and give us the ability to take our own screenshots. I have plans. Filthy plans.

[ check the new screens @ destructoid ]

So I’m playing Arkham Asylum, and the craziest shit starts happening. At one point Joker lets all of the fucking inmates out of their cage. Which is cool, and whatever. However, these inmates aren’t regular Joker thugs. They’re just guys who happen to be fucking raving insane. The whole mechanic seems like a way for Eidos to have Batman fight zombies. You see, they murmur and drool like zombies. They sound exactly like the bad guys from Left 4 Dead. But I’ll continue.

So anyways, these people are not villains. They just happen to be suffering from psychological problems and are upset by the madness around them.

What does Batman do?

He beats the living shit out of them. Seriously. Poor confused inmates who have been brought into a riot. They can’t defend themselves, and they’re just looking for a way out.

They run at Batman in confusion, and what’s he do? He throws them over his head and punches them in the fucking mouth. I sat there watching my Batman throw these retards around without a care in the world. I realize they’re running at him, but can’t the guy have some fucking empathy? They don’t even fight back!

I mean, what are the moral implications of this? Sure, Batman doesn’t kill! But you know what he WILL do? He’ll kick the living shit out of defenseless schizophrenics! They don’t get up! They just lay there with the shit kicked out of them. There’s got to be some ethical code that prohibits the ass-whuppings of crazy people, isn’t there?

Listen, don’t get all sensitive on me. I’ve been locked up for three days at a crazy ward. In the clink, as they say. And what happened if the Joker showed up there and let us out? What if I was just walking across the lawn, taking a stroll without my annoying fifteen minute check-ins? I mean, half the retards I’ve kicked the shit out of with Batman are people who aren’t suspecting me! I sneak up and clobber the crap out of them! What if it was me, strolling McLean’s, and then Batman snuck up on my ass and whupped me?

The dude is deranged, and I can’t believe that some group like PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF BIPOLAR MADMEN (me) haven’t been like

WAI CAN BATMEN WHUP THE SHIT OUT OF INVALIDS?!

I’m just waiting for the uproar to start. I can hear it now.

But to answer the question, why can he?

He’s Batman, bitches.

Wait, you mean shit leaks from video game conventions? Publishers have to know the best way to do free ‘viral’ press is to just show something at a convention. Only an asshole would think that they’re going to air it without it getting caught up on some one’s Cell Phone / Clatter / Super Spybot. Just check out the video. Some live footage of Modern Warfare 2, which is promising to sell four-zillion copies this winter. Frat boys, legit gamers, and pre-pubescent kids with bad parents will all be waiting in line together for this shit.

[ youtube via kotaku ]

I have found myself continuously confused while playing Batman: Arkham Asylum. It had to do with that annoying twat Harley Quinn. I know that there’s a lot of dudegeeks out there who absolutely fawn over Joker’s spermbank. But I don’t get it. Won’t get it. Refuse to try. Normally Quinn is   just an annoying rascally bitch. But in Arkham Asylum, she enters a whole new world of suck.You see, in Arkham she’s an annoying bitch who looks like she’s going to an Insane Clown Posse concert. No, seriously:

Quinn’s new outfit for Arkham must have been redesigned by a fucking Juggalo. Holy shit. I just know dorks are beating off at her “totally hawt” cleavage “and super sploogey” nurse outfit.

Thankfully, the lords at Eidos gave us something unexpected. They made Poison Ivy gorgeous. Somehow, they did it. Even while she’s all like, chlorophyll infested and green and shit. It’s been a good year for green-skinned babes. First there was that weird green chick that Captain Kirk was boning in Star Trek, and now Poison Ivy. Behold! Viva la Green Babes.

Patton Oswalt is going to be on Caprica. We already know this. When I found out, I almost went comatose. Oswalt, much to his chargin I’m sure, is a hero amongst us pudgy nerds. He references X-Men in his act, he is the voice behind a Pixar film, and oh yeah – he has your dream gig, acting in a motherfuckin’ BSG spin-off. The dude is a god. A brilliant, incisive God who was probably one of the few highlights of Dollhouse this season.

I stumbled across this quote via /Film, who nabbed it from A/V Club:

I’m just going to be a sort of Jon Stewart-esque presence that’s always going to be on television in the background. I think that’s going to be the role I have, though there’s a big confrontation I have with Eric Stoltz and Paula Malcomson.

A recurring role as Caprica’s equivalent of Jon Stewart? Sign me up. I was cautious about Caprica, and how it was going to impact the re-imagined BSG mythos. But the pilot talked me off the edge – a mixture of good ole Phillip K. Dick, and Snow Crash and various obvious references. Sure, maybe the Cylons are going to end up the weepy product of a guy losing his daughter (fucking ugh), but for once I’m going to try and not hate. It’s got Moore’s blessing. And now, more importantly, it’s got fucking Patton Oswalt.

Every Time I Die has been one of the few bands whose albums retain unchallenged positions in my personal rotation. Especially in their last effort (2007’s The Big Dirty), ETID combine straight-ahead thrash & paralysis-inducing breakdowns with southern-rock groove & clean hooks to create an irresistible sonic cocktail.

The garnish, of course, is Keith Buckley’s penchant for crafting evocative, powerful lyrics. Buckley’s anecdotes act as supportive frames, giving the listener just enough to imagine a more personal narrative. I’m not sure, but I’d bet that I’m not the only ETID fan who finds himself pondering lyrics such as those found at the end of Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Battery:

Stay wistful and young.
The affected are banking on oblivion
In the drone of embittered hope.
And we’re sold by the way they wrote it.

Oh, it’s the end of the line
I’m cornered by a precedent
The sneering public eye.

It is better to destroy than to create what is meaningless.
So the picture will not be finished…

Or maybe I just give Keith Buckley too much credit because he was a literature student & high school teacher. I don’t know.

In any case, September 15^th sees the release of New Junk Aesthetic. I’ve been looking forward to this album for quite some time and have held my head high despite some more disparaging news (i.e. Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz contributing guest vocals & the departing of longtime drummer Mike “Ratboy” Novak).

My optimism for New Junk Aesthetic is instead rooted in the fact that it was completed before Novak left, providing one last documented recording of the foursome (Novak/Williams/the brothers Buckley) that I’ve learned to love. Further, my love for sweet album packaging is appeased by the stellar artwork of guitarist Jordan Buckley.

Yesterday, Wanderlust was released as the first official video for the new album. I’m still sorting out my feelings about the track, but my initial impression is favorable. That may change. Or it may not. But for right now, I’m going to pump my fist and contemplate the following:

We’ve lived under this dark cloud forever
Waiting for the bad light to break.

Just let me try that one again, with a little more feeling –
We slept at the crossroads together, trying to make an honest mistake.
Just let me try that one more time, without a smile on my face.

Give the video a view and tell me what you think.
Every Time I Die – “Wanderlust”

OMFG! Summer Glau, also known as the creepy fanboy wetdream River from Firely is joining the cast of Dollhouse.

According to the Hollywood Reporter:

“(Glau) will have a recurring role as Bennett, a Dollhouse employee who shares a secret past with Eliza Dushku’s Echo.”

Secret past? Can you say lesbian sex scenes interspersed with mind-numbing and heavy-handed exploration of identity? YES. Or probably not.
It’s ironic, right? Firefly gets canceled after one season, despite being excellent. Dollhouse, the biggest piece of shit I’ve watched on television in years gets renewed. Well done, Whedon zealots. You’ve saved this pile of high school philosophy and drama club dialogue. And your reward? Summer Glau! If anything, Whedon et company are doing a great fan service to the perennial virgins out there – getting them geeked out with appearances by first Felecia Day, and now Summer Glau. Get ready to fap, boys.

Alien Penetration Erotica. Yes, someone typed that into Google today, and Mr. Google passed them along to us. I’ve started a Category, Search Engine Terms, for collating all the bizarre references that bring people here.

As an aside, whoever typed in Alien Penetration Erotica, I can help you. No, serious. I don’t know if my readers are aware of Mandy Morbid, but you should be. She’s a gorgeous porn star, with tattoos and a pink mohawk. I wish I could make that up. Her body is refuckulous, in the same way that Christina Hendricks’ is. As in, she’s pale, with curves that defy logic.

And, oh yeah! She   made her own real life Alien Tentacle rape. It’s odd. Morbid is awesome enough to give away scenes free at her website’s archives, which can be found here.

You know what’s fucked up? Someone searched Alien Penetration Erotica, and I could help them. Because I’ve watched it.